Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

So this is a continuation of the last post. Again, I found these really helpful and I hope that you do as well.

Rule 16 - If a correction is needed use the sandwich approach - praise, correction, finished with praise. Just like a teacher in elementary school!

Rule 17 - Do your best to anticipate his reactions and have counter responses ready. But don't overdo this as you can drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate his every move.

Rule 18 - Expect immature behaviour - remember who you are talking/emailing.

Rule 19 - Do not hesitate to contact or involve the police at any sign of violence or danger. You need to protection yourself and make sure you are safe at all times.

Rule 20 - Don't accept any "kind" gestures or offers from him. Also, don't offer to do anything for him or ask him for anything.

Rule 21 - Don't ever volunteer yourself. Make them ask and say no! This is your secret weapon!

Rule 22 - Abusers are FANTASTIC actors! He will appear to be pitiful and in need of your help. He will try to get you to feel sorry for him. DON'T!!!! Be strong

Rule 23 - Do not allow your abuser to ambush you for a response. If you don't want to respond DON'T!

So these are the 23 rules of communication with an abuser that were passed on to me and that I am sharing with you all! Next, I am going to focus on the rules of engagement with an abuser which I found equally helpful for my situation and I hope that you will too! Good luck and try to follows these techniques when communicating either via email or in person with your abuser!

Rule 24 - When you are in negotiations - State something that he MUST do before you do your part. OTherwise it will be a one sided negotiation.

Rule 25 - Play ball when it is neccessary to avoid being on the receiving end of a narcissistic outburst - it can be severe! Find ways to make it look like your abuser will win by co-operating. This I find the most challenging, but the most important! I dont know about you all, but I have been on the receiving end of a narcissitic outburst several times and it is not fun!

So this has been a grave challenge for me: We share a child so we have to be (minimal at that) in contact. I was struggling with my communication as when he would be angry, put me down etc in an email I would respond with frustration and anger back at him. I told my counsellor about my frustrations and how I am sick of getting into "email wars" with him and she gave to me the most helpful information to date. I want to share this with all of you and dedicate a few posts on the techniques that you should be using when communication with an abusive man

The first rule is to be assertive, brief, precise and show no agression. Keep it to the point, ignore his rude comments and state only what is neccessary to state. Initiating an argument is what he wants. So don't let that happen.

The second rule is to avoid being nice to your abuser. They will see this as a sign of being weak and prounce on you like prey.

The third rule is to ignore his nasty comments. Ignoring them will be more annoying to him as he is doing it to get a reaction out of you.

The fourth rule is to avoid hot topics. He will see this as an attack and attack you back. Stick to the bare minimum and only what you need to.

The fifth rule is to recognize his attempts to bait you and to push your buttons. Don't reward his attempt.

The sixth rule is to avoid overloading with information and stick to one subject at a time.

The seventh rule is to not let your abuser change the subject and go off track.Keep refocusing on the topic at hand. The instant the blame game, sarcastic comments, criticism, insults etc occur walk away or stop communicating.

The eigth rule is that boundaries are non-negotiable. Do not participate in your abuse.

The nineth rule is to remember that they are patholigical liars - avoid asking questions and assume everything is a lie to avoid disappointment.

The tenth rule is to learn the difference between statements and questions. Don't respond to statements (especially insulting ones)

The eleventh rule is not to reveal anything about yourself. Do not show him any vulnerability - again he will prounce on this like prey

The twelfth rule is to pay attention to projection. By being observative you may be able to find out what your abuser is up to and what games are coming next.

The thirteenth rule is if you are a submissive person by nature - learn to be assertive.

The fourteenth rule is to understand you can say "NO" without explanation.

The fifteenth rule is to expect him to try and wear you down. Enjoy the show and dont let him!!!

Ok so these are the first 15. I don't want to overload one post so I will be splitting them up. I hope you find these helpful, I know I did and they have (and will) help me in communicating with my abusive ex.

So I just wanted to say how FANTASTIC the olympics were...I have Olympic fever and now it is over...I am in withdrawal!! Canada did amazing and the crows at Vancouver were awesome...I am also very impressed with the Americans performance!!!

So I wanted to do a post on dealing with loneliness after leaving an abusive relationship. It is difficult to be on your own, especially when you are dealing with the consequences of the abuse you suffered and are trying to heal from it. I want to offer some suggestions of ways you can help deal with the loneliness so that it does not overtake you!

1. Get a pet - a cat or a dog are great companions and are always there for you! Personally, i have a dog (he does live with my parents though long story) and i just adopted a wonderful cat "buddy"!

2. Volunteering. This is not only a great way to get out and get your mind off things, but you can also meet some inspiring people who could change your life forever.

3. Check out the website MeetUp.com. This website offers support groups and local hobby clubs like a book club or scrap booking. Having hobbies and meeting people with similar interests is a great way to move on and to bring joy and happiness back into your life.


These are just a few ways to help deal with loneliness and to move on. Dealing with the grief of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and a process - it does not happen overnight. But, getting out there, meeting new people, having companionship and taking up a hobby is a great way to relieve the heart ache, stress and to get your mind of things...Personally, I love to dig into a good movie. A few weeks back I rented Transformers (I know kind a cheesey but it reminds me of being a kid..I loved transformers growing up) and I sunk into the 2.5 hour movie and forgot about my life and my stresses. I felt great afterwards and it was a nice break from the reality of what i have been through!

Hello ladies and gents!!

Unfortunately, I have Olympic fever!! I get it every olympics!!! I will try to do some posting through out; however, I get to post only while my son is sleeping and right now when he sleeps I am glued to the T.V!!

Sorry for the lack of posting, but for the next few weeks I may be glued to the T.V watching these fantastic athletes compete!!!

Thanks for your understanding!

So this is my final post in my series of posts on the Power and Control Wheel. When I first read this wheel, I couldn't believe it! It was the story of my abuser and my life for the past 3 years. He used over 95% of these techniques so they are good to know and to be aware of!

* An abuser will make threats to hurt you or to do something to you, in order to get his way. For example: If you don't give me what I want, I will call your mother and tell her how crazy you are!

*Your abuser will threaten to commit suicide if you leave him. This is his way of trying to convince you that he loves you and needs you. But, this is not healthy and leaves you feeling trapped and hopeless

*If you contact the police to charge your abuser, he will make you drop the charges "or else!" The difficult part is, it can sometimes be very stressfull, difficult and a lot of backlash comes your way for taking this step. But, this is a step that you need to take if your abuser is physically harming you.

So as mentioned, this is the last section of the power control wheel. Any thoughts or comments on these techniques?

Second last section of the power and control wheel. I hope these postings are helping you to understand some of the techniques that abusive men will use. Hopefully you can use this in your present, past or future understanding and avoidance of abusive relationship.

ECONOMICAL ABUSE:

*Your abuser will prevent you from having a job. If you don't work and don't earn money, than you are dependent on him. You can't leave him if you can't take care of yourself financially. He has complete control of you and your life.

*Abusive men will make you ask him for money and/or give you an allowance! Whether you work or not, they want to control everything and make you fell powerless by asking them for money. you have the right to have your own money, and you have the right to spend it however you want!

* Abusive men will also take your money. Whether it's money you earned, inherited or was given to you as a gift: An abusive man will want to take it from you and control what it is spent on.

*Abusive men will also keep family finances a secret. They don't want you to know what finances are around: What bank accounts, investments etc. The less you know, the better! Make sure you are in the loop because if you are married everything he has is also yours! Split 50/50!

Be aware of this type of control: Abusive men will use money to keep you around and make you feel like you can't leave or you will be homeless, in a shelter or not be able to survive. Never forget that everything the two of you have belongs to the two of you. And if you want to work - WORK!! It's your right being a women in our time!

Ok so here is another part of the power and control wheel. This section personally, I don't have a lot of experience with only one or two of the techniques. . But, I still want to discuss this with you as a lot of abusive men do use this technique to control and gain power over you.

*Your abuser will treat you like his servent. Expect you to do all the cleaning, cooking and house work...

* Your abuser will try and make all of the BIG decisions. He wants to decide everything. If you try to work with him or make decisions of any kind, you will pay for your effort. He will also go on and on and on about it, until you give in to give him his way...sometimes for the abusee, this is easier!

*He will defined your role and his role. These roles tend to be sexist and based on old school values....

I hope this helps you out and if you notice these techniques being used, you may be within an abusive relationship.