Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

Hello ladies and gents!!

Unfortunately, I have Olympic fever!! I get it every olympics!!! I will try to do some posting through out; however, I get to post only while my son is sleeping and right now when he sleeps I am glued to the T.V!!

Sorry for the lack of posting, but for the next few weeks I may be glued to the T.V watching these fantastic athletes compete!!!

Thanks for your understanding!

So this is my final post in my series of posts on the Power and Control Wheel. When I first read this wheel, I couldn't believe it! It was the story of my abuser and my life for the past 3 years. He used over 95% of these techniques so they are good to know and to be aware of!

* An abuser will make threats to hurt you or to do something to you, in order to get his way. For example: If you don't give me what I want, I will call your mother and tell her how crazy you are!

*Your abuser will threaten to commit suicide if you leave him. This is his way of trying to convince you that he loves you and needs you. But, this is not healthy and leaves you feeling trapped and hopeless

*If you contact the police to charge your abuser, he will make you drop the charges "or else!" The difficult part is, it can sometimes be very stressfull, difficult and a lot of backlash comes your way for taking this step. But, this is a step that you need to take if your abuser is physically harming you.

So as mentioned, this is the last section of the power control wheel. Any thoughts or comments on these techniques?

Second last section of the power and control wheel. I hope these postings are helping you to understand some of the techniques that abusive men will use. Hopefully you can use this in your present, past or future understanding and avoidance of abusive relationship.

ECONOMICAL ABUSE:

*Your abuser will prevent you from having a job. If you don't work and don't earn money, than you are dependent on him. You can't leave him if you can't take care of yourself financially. He has complete control of you and your life.

*Abusive men will make you ask him for money and/or give you an allowance! Whether you work or not, they want to control everything and make you fell powerless by asking them for money. you have the right to have your own money, and you have the right to spend it however you want!

* Abusive men will also take your money. Whether it's money you earned, inherited or was given to you as a gift: An abusive man will want to take it from you and control what it is spent on.

*Abusive men will also keep family finances a secret. They don't want you to know what finances are around: What bank accounts, investments etc. The less you know, the better! Make sure you are in the loop because if you are married everything he has is also yours! Split 50/50!

Be aware of this type of control: Abusive men will use money to keep you around and make you feel like you can't leave or you will be homeless, in a shelter or not be able to survive. Never forget that everything the two of you have belongs to the two of you. And if you want to work - WORK!! It's your right being a women in our time!

Ok so here is another part of the power and control wheel. This section personally, I don't have a lot of experience with only one or two of the techniques. . But, I still want to discuss this with you as a lot of abusive men do use this technique to control and gain power over you.

*Your abuser will treat you like his servent. Expect you to do all the cleaning, cooking and house work...

* Your abuser will try and make all of the BIG decisions. He wants to decide everything. If you try to work with him or make decisions of any kind, you will pay for your effort. He will also go on and on and on about it, until you give in to give him his way...sometimes for the abusee, this is easier!

*He will defined your role and his role. These roles tend to be sexist and based on old school values....

I hope this helps you out and if you notice these techniques being used, you may be within an abusive relationship.

The next part of the power and control wheel I want to examine is the section of using children. This section I find extremely disturbing and have experienced myself in my personal experiences.

*Your abuser will use your children to make you feel guilty about leaving him. He will try to convince you that you are ruining the family and taking his kids away. Well, if he didnt abuse you, you probably wouldn't be leaving him! Don't listen to him. The children are better to be raised from a "broken family as society calls it" than to be raised in an abusive home. Children learn from their parents: If all they see is physical and emotional abuse this is what they will grow to be. If they see their mom leave their dad because of how he treated her, than they will learn for themselves what the proper way to act is. DO NOT feel guilty in any way shape or form - the kids are better off with you leaving your abusive partner.

*An abusive partner will use the children to harrass you. Sad, but true! He will use the exchanges to get to you and to call you names, to try and make you see how you are hurting him, to try and get you back. Don't fall victim to his games again. Don't fall victim to arguing infront of the children. Simply ignore him, and allow your children to go with him. Don't let him affect you and ruin your alone time.

*Your abusive ex-partner will use your children to relay messages. He will tell the children that you broke the family up and to tell you how much he is hurting or hates you etc etc...He will pass along inappropriate messages through your children. Again, sad but true! The kids are not pawns, they are innocent human beings. Don't let this hurt you and if you find it is hurting your children reach out to your lawyer for legal advice to stop this type of behaviour once and for all.

To sum this section up, your abusive partner will try to get you to stay with him "for the children". Your children are worse off growing up in an abusive home I assure you of this: Hence the term "circle of abuse". Don't listen to him and do not feel guilty about leaving and "breaking up the family!". You need to be happy in order to raise your children in a happy and loving environment.

On to the next section of the power and control wheel. For me personally, I feel the strongest and still have undealth with feelings on this part of the wheel...I find this tactic the most frustrating and irritating of them all.

*your abuser will not take the abuse seriously, nor your concerns about it and state that the abuse didn't happen. They will deny that they are abusive until they are blue in the face. To them, their actions are "manly or masculine" not abusive. Actually, with you raising your concerns of the abuse, it will cause your abuser to be more angry and for the abuse to get worse. They will blame you and tell you that you are hurting them and the cause of all the problems: DON'T BELIEVE THEM!

*Your abuser will shift the responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They may blame you, their work, their stressful life, the children, the busdriver...anybody but themselves. They never see themselves as the problem, and are ALWAYS angry at somebody for something. Hence my prior post "misplaced compassion"

*And of course the abuser will say you caused it. They may even go as far as stating you were abusive too! But facts show, most women only become abusive in self-defense. Your abuser will tell you you're crazy, you caused them to be like this, they are only angry around you nobody else. They will make you feel like you are the problem: But, you are not. They are! They are choosing which actions and behaviours to take and are making the wrong decision. You have nothing to do with it!

All in all, don't allow your abuser to blame you. One common question or thought that I see is "I blame myself because I ALLOWED him to treat me this way and cause it for so many years"...you didn't allow anything. Your abuser would have abused you, no matter how you acted or what you tried. Actually, had you fought back, the abuse would have been worse.