Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale

About Me

I am a 28 year old single mom of a 9 month old boy. He is my world and my life. Before I was pregnant I was in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. My son gave me the strenght to leave that man to create a good life for my child. My life has now become a matter of protecting my child to make sure the pattern of abuse does not get imposed on him so he is a "benefit to society" not a "menace to society". I am in the midst of a court battle for visitation and child support and it is taking all that I have to stay strong for my son. His father harasses me every chance he gets and is trying to take control back of my life and I won't let that happen. Please note I am not a counselor or psychologist; I am simply sharing what I have learned through my personal experience and time through counseling and groups to recover from abuse.



Friday, February 5, 2010
The next part of the power and control wheel I want to examine is the section of using children. This section I find extremely disturbing and have experienced myself in my personal experiences.

*Your abuser will use your children to make you feel guilty about leaving him. He will try to convince you that you are ruining the family and taking his kids away. Well, if he didnt abuse you, you probably wouldn't be leaving him! Don't listen to him. The children are better to be raised from a "broken family as society calls it" than to be raised in an abusive home. Children learn from their parents: If all they see is physical and emotional abuse this is what they will grow to be. If they see their mom leave their dad because of how he treated her, than they will learn for themselves what the proper way to act is. DO NOT feel guilty in any way shape or form - the kids are better off with you leaving your abusive partner.

*An abusive partner will use the children to harrass you. Sad, but true! He will use the exchanges to get to you and to call you names, to try and make you see how you are hurting him, to try and get you back. Don't fall victim to his games again. Don't fall victim to arguing infront of the children. Simply ignore him, and allow your children to go with him. Don't let him affect you and ruin your alone time.

*Your abusive ex-partner will use your children to relay messages. He will tell the children that you broke the family up and to tell you how much he is hurting or hates you etc etc...He will pass along inappropriate messages through your children. Again, sad but true! The kids are not pawns, they are innocent human beings. Don't let this hurt you and if you find it is hurting your children reach out to your lawyer for legal advice to stop this type of behaviour once and for all.

To sum this section up, your abusive partner will try to get you to stay with him "for the children". Your children are worse off growing up in an abusive home I assure you of this: Hence the term "circle of abuse". Don't listen to him and do not feel guilty about leaving and "breaking up the family!". You need to be happy in order to raise your children in a happy and loving environment.


Anonymous said...

This tactic is just sick. My abuser used it all along, used it a bunch when I finally left him. And continues to use the kids to try and control or get to me. Or uses changes in the visitation to try and control me. Then when I don't comply with his wishes that fit into his schedule he threaten to take me to court. All I can hope for is that in not too many years the kids will be grown and I will have nothing to do with him at that point.

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