Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

Are you in an abusive relationship? There are so many women out there who are in an abusive relationship and don't even know it. They think they are simply being treated poorly and are in an unhealthy relationship. The below phrases describe an abusive relationship:

*One or both partners yells, hits, pushes or intimidates
*One partner has limits and restrictions imposed upon them with regards to outside relationships
*One partner holds all of hte decisionmaking power
*One partner is not able to communicate feelings, needs and desires and they are not respected
*Mistrust and dishonesty are tools frequently used to undermine the self-esteem and self-worth of one partner
*One partner is not allowed to have any boundaries
*One partner regularily changes their behaviour, opinions or choices to accommodate their partner because of fear
*One partner is not able to care for themselves because the focus is on the other partner in the relationship
*One partner feels threatened when the other wants personal growth resulting in feeling trapped
*One partner forces or coerces the other to engage in unwanted sexual activity.

If these phrases describes you and your relationhip, then you are in an abusive relationship. This last series of posts are meant to raise more awareness as to the difference between the 3 type of relationships. If you are being abused, please do something about it: Seek help, talk to friends, speak with counselor's - anything. But don't stay and don't let your partner take away your self-worth. Like the cover girl commercials say "YOU ARE WORTH IT!". Don't you ever forget that!

So I have added a new picture at the top of this blog. When I found this picture I thought it was perfect for my blog.

All of us abused women are like Cinderella. We have gone through our hardships, been treated poorly and lived through it. Our prince will come and show us women, what a real man is like and how a women SHOULD be treated!

We all deserve happiness like Cinderella. We will have our fairy tale endings, and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Do you know the difference between an unhealthy relationship and an abusive relationship? If you do not, I hope that this post can help you. I am going to list some phrases (like the post prior) but these phrases describe an unhealthy relationship.

*Resolving conflicts in a manner that leaves one of both partners feeling unheard and conflict is not resolved
*One of both partners feel guilty for having independent relationships
*One of both partners feel that all opinions should be the same
*One of both partners feel unheard and unable to communicate feelings, needs and desires
*There is mistrust and dishonesty in the relationship
*Privacy is not respected
*One or both partners feel pressure to change into something they are not
*One or both partners feel guilt for taking time out for themselves
*There is a feeling of being stifled
*There is a feeling of sexual pressure to engage in unwanted sexual activity.

If these phrases describe your relationship, than you are in an unhealthy relationship. Work with your partner on trying to improve things or move on! Being in an unhealthy relationship will not last in the long run so save yourself some heartache!

So at my group last week, we had a great exercise in which we were given a sentance and had to read it and determine if it fell under a healthy, unhealthy or abusive relationship. It was quite interesting and a lot of the ladies thought that certain things were unhealthy when they were indeed abusive. I am going to start a series of posts going through these sentances so anyone reading this, can determine if they have a healty, unhealthy or abusive relationship. I found it to be great and I learned a lot. I hope you all do as well.

I am going to start backwards, and go with a healthy relationship. If the following sentances describe your relationship CONGRATULATIONS you are in a healthy relationship. This is the ideal relationship and one that we should all be working towards being in.

*Resolving conflicts in a rational, peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way
*Having independent relationships with friends and family and having independent activities.
*Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion and compromising equally
*Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs and desires
*Having honesty and trust with yourself and each other
*Respecting the need for privacy
*Respecting each partner's uniqueness; allowing each partner to be themselves
*Having good self-care practices
*Having the space for personal growth and learning
*Sexual boundaries are respected.

So CONGRATULATIONS to you if your relationship falls within this category. This is something that I want one day. If you have read this, and it does NOT describe your relationship, come back and read this blog again, to learn about unhealthy and abusive relationships.

We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be in a healthy relationship. Hopefully, all of us can find this someday!

To my many followers (lol):

I have not been diligent over the past few days in posting to my blog.I have so much to write and so little time.

This is my first Christmas being a mom, and I have gone way overboard! don't we all! With the shopping, wrapping, decorating etc I haven't had the time to come on here over the past few days, but I will again once the holiday season is over.

I know my son is only 9 months old, and probaby has no idea what's going on, but he loves the decorations and is curious as to the presents under the tree. I am just so excited I can't help myself. Christmas is sooo magical when there are children around.

Sorry for my lack of diligence, but I have some new information and posts to write, I just need to be able to find the time over this hectic season to get it in!

I wish anyone who reads this blog a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! May your holiday season be filled with happiness, safety and joy

Triangulation! What the heck is this? Well, i just learned this term at my group last week and couldn't believe what it meant, and how common it is.

Triangulation is when the abusive partner calls the family members and friends of the abusee and tries to turn everyone against the abusee. From my group and the chat that us ladies had, this starts early in the relationship.

If your partner has been making unacceptable phone calls to your family members and friends about you, beware! He is trying to turn everyone against you, so that he looks better and like the sain one and you look like the crazy one who has issues. This is a very common technique, one that I experienced, but not one that ever knew a term existed to define and I never realized that other men do this to their partners! I was FLABERGASTED! and shocked the say the least when I realized how common it is, in abusive relationships.

So beware of the triangulator!

So now that you have some definitions and understanding of how our way of thinking helps our anxiety, I am going to describe an excercise that my counselor gave me to do. It worked great and I still use it to this day.

When you get upset and become anxious.
Write down what the event is
Write down the "negative thought definition" that describes what you are doing
Write down a positive thought to replace this negative thought.

Keep repeating this positive thought over and over and over. Try to focus on the positive instead of the negative.

Do this for every anxious response and event that occurs in the next week. You will see a pattern and you will see that this will help.

Good luck on becoming anxiety free! Remember, I am not a counselor, simply relaying the information and exercises my counselor has given to me!

Ok so this is a little off from the anxiety, I am going to continue with that, however I have beeen doing a lot of research on the link between narcissistic personality disorder and an abuser.

I found a FANTASTIC blog that you need to check out if you are looking for information on narcissism. it's great!! I LOVE IT!!! I have also added it to the blogs I follow. Once I find more information on the link and have created my theories (I already have a few) I will be posting more on narcissism and the link between it an abusers!!!!

It does appear to be a stale blog - the last posting was in April 2008 - but the information and discussions you will find there are very informative.

There is a technique that I have learned from my counselor that has really helped me in overcoming my anxiety. I hope that it too, can help you. It is challenging but well worth it!

I am going to start be providing a few definitions of the way that anxiety sufferers think:

OVERGENERALIZATION: Any problem is made to look bigger than it really is. Words are used like "never, always, everybody". This makes an occassional occurance seem like an intolerable ongoing event. Basically, exaggerating which creates an anxious response.

BLAMING: Other people are doing bad things to you usually on purpose. By blaming, you are giving up the power to change a situation.

COMANDING: Using words like "should have got to" Having values is a healthy thing, but when they are raised to the level or moral dictates, problems with anxiety occur.

MAGNIFYING THE SITUATION: You turn a bad situation into the worst possible conclusion and continually set yourself up to relive this worst possible conclusion.

MISATTRIBUTIONS: Jumping to conclusions and mind reading.

These are the negative thoughts that anxiety sufferers experience, when going through a panic attack, or simply living with anxiety. The first exercise, is when you find yourself thinking this way, try to change these negative thoughts with positives ones!! Yep, it's difficult, and it will take you a while, but eventually you will right away, see and understand that negative thought and try to replace it. For example:
Lets use magnifying the situation. You are thinking "It's all over for me now. I'll never be able to show my face around here again!

Replace these negative thoughts with positive ones like: Yeah, this is frustrating but it's not the end of the world. or yes this is embarassing but tomorrow, everyone will forget!!!

Developing new positive coping thoughts will really help you in relieving your anxiety. I hope this works and next post I will move onto the next step.

These exercises really worked for me, and I can now deal with situations and events better than I ever could!

This is a poem that my counselor gave me as she seen me in this poem. I do as well and I am sure somem of you will:

There are times when people
disappoint you and let you know,
but those are the times
when you must remind yourself
to trust your own judgements and opinions,
and to keep your life focused on believing in yourself
and all that you are capable of.

There will be challenges to face
and changes to make in your life,
and it is up to you to accept them.
Constantly keep yourself headed
in the right directions for you.
It may not be easy at times,
but in those times of struggle
you will find a stronger sense of who you are,
and you will also see yourself
developing into the person
you have always wanted to be.

So when the days come that are filled
with frustration and unexpected responsibilities,
remember to believe in yourself
and all you want your life to be,
because the challenges and changes
will help you to find dreams that
you know are true for you.

I think this is a motivating poem and I really like it.

So in continuing from my last post here are the truths to combat the common myths.

Truth 1 - Abusive men are often gentle, loving clean and successful. There is no standard physical feature.
Truth 2 - Men who are abusive are often abusive only at home. They are friend in public and perceived as nice people.
Truth 3 - Abusive men can be found in all backgrounds and all education classifications
Truth 4 - Men who batter feel like they have no control over their violent behaviour, but they do. They make poor choices and can learn to change their behaviour.
Truth 5 - Abuse is an individual issue. Men who are abusive, are abusive with several partners not just one. Abuse wrecks relationships and battering is a poor choice involving power and control.

I simply found these myths and truths very interesting, as per my personal endeavours and conversations, I find a lot of people believe these myths and they simply need to be clarified and understood.

So I want to continue with some more myths to point out. This time, the focus is on the men who batter and abuse women.

Myth 1 - Abusive men are scuzzy, ugly and mean looking
Myth 2 - Abusive men are abusive in ALL of their relationships
Myth 3 - Men who batter are uneducated.
Myth 4 - Men who abuse are pyscopaths who have no control over their behaviour and lack morals
Myth 5 - Women cause the abusive by nagging
Myth 6 - Physically abusive men are physically abusive every day not just once in a while.

These are the top six myths, in my opinion about abusive men. I will combat these myths in another posting.

I hope you find these helpful. I find them quite interesting and they really do demonstrate the lack of education and knowledge of what abuse really is and of who is abusive: physically or emotionally!

In Continuing from the last post I would like to counteract those myths with the ACTUAL truths. Society really needs to be educated on abuse and what they believe.

Truth #1 - Many abused women are afraid to tell anyone about the abuse they have endured. The FBI estimates that every 18 seconds a woman is hit by her male partner.

Truth #2 - Abused occurs by all faiths

Truth #3 - THe abuse will continue and become more severe over time. Men who batter will try to stop but they are unable to without professional help. They need to learn healthier methods of dealing with their problems.

Truth #4 - Battering is dangerous. It is the most common way that women are murdered by men.

THE BIGGEST MYTH BUSTED:

Truth #5 - Abusive behaviour is LEARNED!!! Boys are trained to be rough and controlling. Aggression is learned from role models and there is very little proof that men and people have an instinct for violence!!!

So I have come across some disturbing myths about battered and abused woman that I wanted to share on my blog.

Mtyh 1 - Battering is rare
Myth 2 - Religious faith will prevent battering.
Myth 3 - The abuse will stop over time on it's own
Myth 4 - Physical abuse is not serious nor harmful
Myth 5 - Abuse is instinct. Men are agressive from birth.

These are the top 5 myths that I have found that are completely false but common beliefs in today's society. If you are one that thought these statements were true,you are strongly mistaken.

My next post will be dedicated to the truths behind these myths.

So I wanted to dedicate this posting simply to the flags to look for if you are in a new relationship or in a long term relationship. Hopefully these signs can help you if you think you may be at risk of being abused.

Abuse of alcohol or drugs
history of trouble with the law
getting in fights or destroying property
doesn't work and doesn't go to school
puts down other people
always, ALWAYS angry at something
you feel afraid to break up with him
are afraid to make decisions
find yourself cyring a lot or depressed
worrying and obsessing about how to keep your partner happy
abuse is getting worse over time
blames all the arguments on you
threatens suicide if you break up with him
tells you how to dress or act
has extreme mood swings
calls you names
compares you to former partners
control who you hang out with and where you go
forces you to be sexual when you don't want to
takes your money or takes advantage of you in other ways
doesn't listen to you or show interest in your feelings
lies to you


these are the main red flags: If your partner fits into any of these statements you are at risk for being abused. Becareful. If your partner fits most of these statements than you are at HIGH risk of being abused or already are and don't realize it.

When I finally left my relationship, it had taken me 10 months - from January - October to leave for good. I felt horrible and always thought that this was way TOO long and I lacked inner strength. Well, what I learned today in counseling baffled me and I hope I can share with you the definition of the cycle of abuse.

On average, women who have been abused leave their partner 7 times - yes 7 times - before they finally leave for good. Their abusive partner takes a 180 and turns into the ideal man telling them that they love you, miss you, are sorry for what they did blablablablablabla!! But, the fact is, we are women this is what we want to hear and we fall for it.

Leaving an abusive partner is a process that takes a lot of inner strength and time even years. If you have made the decision that you are ready to leave your partner you have taken the first step to freedom. Do not feel bad if you go back and fall into this cycle, you are not alone as millions of women out there do the same thing.

But, if you have read this posting, please make yourself aware of this cycle and be strong! Know the game that is being played and don't fall for it. Because if you do go back, the abuse will be worse than it was!