BELIEVE

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale

About Me

I am a 28 year old single mom of a 9 month old boy. He is my world and my life. Before I was pregnant I was in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. My son gave me the strenght to leave that man to create a good life for my child. My life has now become a matter of protecting my child to make sure the pattern of abuse does not get imposed on him so he is a "benefit to society" not a "menace to society". I am in the midst of a court battle for visitation and child support and it is taking all that I have to stay strong for my son. His father harasses me every chance he gets and is trying to take control back of my life and I won't let that happen. Please note I am not a counselor or psychologist; I am simply sharing what I have learned through my personal experience and time through counseling and groups to recover from abuse.

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Friday, December 4, 2009
So I have come across some disturbing myths about battered and abused woman that I wanted to share on my blog.

Mtyh 1 - Battering is rare
Myth 2 - Religious faith will prevent battering.
Myth 3 - The abuse will stop over time on it's own
Myth 4 - Physical abuse is not serious nor harmful
Myth 5 - Abuse is instinct. Men are agressive from birth.

These are the top 5 myths that I have found that are completely false but common beliefs in today's society. If you are one that thought these statements were true,you are strongly mistaken.

My next post will be dedicated to the truths behind these myths.

9 comments:

Lo said...

HI, I have many questions, although I believe I know the answers, I almost need to hear someone else tell me what it is that I think.

I was married for 11 years and we divorced, during our marriage he was arrested for domestic violence, only charged with diturbing the peace. while we were going through our divorce he told me he wanted custody of our youngest daughter, and threatened me if I did not give him custody he would make sure that I lost all 3 of our children. I agreed only that I have open visitation.
Shortly after that he would not allow me to see her much. hardly any contact, in fact she was to call his girlfriend Mom. She finally ended up missing for 5 months and when the private Investigator found him and he appeared in court. He told the judge he was running for his life because I was abusing our daughter and stalking him. He also told the judge I was diagnosed with bi-polar desease and doing drugs and abusing our other children.

The judges believed everything he said, in fact I was ordered for the thrid time to have a mental evualuation, drug testing, etc.

I finally ended up getting back with him because I could not afford my attorney any longer and my children are a mess from everything going on.

Now, he is doing that same thing as he did before, Yelling, calling me names, saying Im nothing without him, i need him, he kicks me out almost daily, tries to take the kids in the room with him when hes drinking, threatening that he will take off with our youngest daughter and me and our other kids wont see her again, everything i do is wrong, he tells me how to wear my make up and if i dont do it his way he makes fun of me, he wants every penny i have, acts like a little boy singing when wer fight and getting in my face, snatching things out of my hand, hits the kids, calls them names, tells the kids he wants them to get their ass' kick....People's first impression of him are that he's a great guy, they think he is so funny.
He put my entire family against me, they all hate me and help him in court, I have hardly any friends and very few family membets left.

I'm losing weight and starting to feel depressed as I was many years ago when we were together. Im scared to do anything, I can't eat or sleep well, I am constantly thinking of ways to get out of here with all the kids, but don't want to get in trouble with the law.

I have called hotlines, police, cps, they all believe that he is such a great guy and that I am a horrible person.

The kids are so afraid of him they tie rope around their door knobs so that he cant come in the room.

I have two children from a prior relationship and he hits them, my other two kids are extremely scared of him to the point they wont come out of the room unless I am with them.

Something is wrong here, I know, I find myself lashing out at my kids over small things. I can't go on doing this to my kids. I know that I can't call the police they do nothing, but would this be considered mental abuse?

I tried my best to make this make sense in my rush. Thanks for your time!

abusemom81 said...

Hi there,

wow your story breaks my heart and angers me as this is sooo common and should NOT be happening. yes this is absolutely mental/emotional/verbal abuse. It's also child abuse against your children. What country and/or province/state are you in? You definitely need to protect your self and your children from this abuse you have all endured. It is not fair to you all! If I know what country you are in, I would be happy to do some research for you and find some great resources: I am a very resourceful gal!!! And it may be easier for me as I am not in the house with him, so I can do it for you with out him knowing and would be happy to if you would like. Where I am, there are women centres and child services etc etc that can help women like us and point us to the right actions to take within the law, to protect the women and her children. I have used the resources here for EVERYTHING and they have really helped me. When you called the police etc did they ever interview your children? Also, I don't know how this is perceived where you are located (I know where I am it is not perceived well....) but maybe wearing a tape recorder to record the verbal abuse you are enduring may help you to get PROOF of his behaviour. But don't do this until you get in touch with child services or the police to see how it is viewed where you are. I don't want you to do this, and have it hurt you in the court of law.

When I read your story, you know I don't know why, but emotionally abusive men enjoy laughing and playing games, whereas with us, we get upset over the arguments and this type of behaviour. It is not funny, but as time goes on and they continue to do it, it just gets funnier to them..I don't understand that aspect of their personality but hope to in my endevours.

If we stand together we can help each other and protect ourselves and our children. I sincerely hope that I can help you get through this and protect what is important: You and your children! And if he is hitting them, that needs to STOP immediately!!!!

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to try and help you. This is why I created this blog is for women like us who have no where to turn!!!

Lo said...

Hi, I am so glad that you responded, I have emailed so many people looking for help. I actually emailed my governor, nothing.

Currently I live in Orange County, Ca. As for the suggestion about recording, I have thought about that. The law states that we can not record/video tape unless the other party knows of it. However, would it not make sense to do so, because it is my duty as a parent to protect my children against abuse. Why should I not be able to record his abuse. I think about people who video tape their Nannies, do they know they are being recorded....I have been very afraid to record anything, will it hold up in court? Unsure.....I feel I have run out of options, he has only made me out to be this horrible Mother and person....At this point I have no rights. My parental rights are being ripped from me. I know what a liar he is and the courts see him as this wonderful guy. I am scared, he actually raped me many years ago and no charges were brought on him. Its come down to us (my children and me) having to be abused to be together. It's mentally hard to focus and concentrate on anything.
He is also having some kind of affair with two other girls and he told me hes gonna do whatever he wants and I cant question him.
He threatens to take the childrens shoes and clothing that he bought them if they dont do things such as: make him something to eat or turn the tv on etc.
He gets so mad he gets up and charges me as if he is going to hit me but then he will stop in my face and start calling me names and tells me he hates me.
He told our 15 year old he wanted me dead. This is so crazy, whats in this guy's head to say things like that?
When I have reported things to the police they say that Im lying and jealous. They never interviewed my children, once the police talk to him they say im unstable.
I seriously feel like Im out of options and stuck in this situation. I hate my life this way....I am so unhappy and my kids are so afraid and unhappy as well.
He leaves me no money to feed our children. in fact any money I make I have to turn it over or he will fight with me.
I appreciate you commenting back! In the meantime, I hope things are well for you and your family!

abusemom81 said...

you know, I am part of a forum, and there is another women in orange county who is having severe issues and the law doesn't seem to be helping her either! I hope that I can provide some assistance to you. I am simply a victim of abuse as well, but have drawn a passion to try and help others and for us women to stand together and raise awareness. It's so frustrating that the courts etc don't always see the lies and abuse. My situation and abuse endured, is not nearly as severe as yours, my heart breaks for you and your family and I hope that someday you and your children can find peace and happiness. You all deserve it!!!

ok...so I have a few questions and suggestions and I hope some of them help. You had said that he has hit your children and one of them is 15 so she should be old enough (I would think) to report this. I found a number 800-207-4464 which is a hot line for child abuse: If you can't prove or get anywhere with the abuse against you, maybe a good approach is to focus on the abuse he is placing on your children.

Have you contacted a domestic violence centre? There is one in Orange County called Laura's house email information@laurashouse.org (website www.laurashouse.org)and phone number is 949-498-1511 this is a 24 hour hotline. Currently, I seek couneling and attend groups etc though my womens shelter and they have provided unlimited resources and assistance to me. They even come to court and lawyers appointments with me which I can't express how much this helps me!!! Another site that I found for your region is www.brightfutures4kids.org. This is a child abuse prevention website that could also provide support and assistance to you and your family. Have you contacted them as of yet? (I have actually emailed them with some general questions to see what I can find out about the process's and procedures etc. I will let you know if what I find out)

Just my opinion, but if he keeps being believed and everyone is seeing him as a nice guy, which is common 100%; abusive men are great manipulators, maybe focus on the abuse towards your children, instead of towards you, to get some well needed assistance. Have you tried any of these resources yet or taken this approach? Try and get the issues around them to be #1 as opposed to you and your husband because i would think, your children would be interviewed before him and the truth can finally come out.

I hope that some of these resources may be helpful to you. I am always here if you need to vent or talk, or get anything off your chest. I check my blog daily!!! It is fairly new, but I love it and hope that it can make a difference in abuse victims lives!!!! Please keep me posted and let me know and as soon as I hear back I will post here to advise you of what information I have received. I will also keep looking for more resources that could potentially help you and I really hope that I can!!!! By the way, my son and I are great, we have court coming up but I am starting to get used to it, and hope this is the last one until trial in the summer!!!

abusemom81 said...

Please understand, I am not an expert or counselor, I am just going to try and help and see what assistance I can provide. I am passionate and care about women like you!

Lo said...

Oh the court thing, always makes me nervous, I hope things work out well for you and your son! I want to say I love your blog, it's good that someone, such as you, speaks up. Your advice/help is appreciated and even if nothing comes of it, it's good that you are listening, that means more then anything believe it or not.

Okay, so I have called a domestic hotline that directed me to a center in Orange County, that also has counseling for both the kids and myself and legal help. The problem is, I have to kind of sneak out, if Im gone too long he usually will text me telling me to hurry cause hes hungry, so I have to make my trips fairly fast. I have found ways to stall things, so I am going to see when I can get in to speak to someone.
I am, however, going to call the number you posted for child abuse, I think that if I could get them in to speak to someone that something should be done, being minors reporting abuse the law has to work fast...well so I hear....He has been out of town this week and returns tomorrow, I have been spending most of my free time taking the kids to the Doctors, he thinks that they dont need to be seen on a regular basis like I do and also getting together paperwork for when I file a restraining order and child custody. I want to come loaded this time. I will check your comments come night time only because I don't want to get caught. And yes, whatever information you find please let me know, I'm a little concerned making phone calls, but emailing is best, I usually clean out my history nightly, again, dont want to get caught.

Also how is counseling working for you? Is it helping you, and coming out of a abusive relationship does it make you build up a wall. I know for me it did when we were not together, I couldnt handle someone being nice to me.
I read all your blog posts and saw that you suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. I was like that at one time as well, the anxiety is still here but the panic attacks have gone.
I have learned to live with the anxiety, its no fun....Okay its late, my kids are in bed, and I should be too.
Take Care and again Thank you, I appreciate your time and caring!

abusemom81 said...

Thanks for your kind words: Like you said even if I can't help at least I am trying! I have found that there is not a lot out there for women like us and even on the internet there are not a lot of resources for us. But I am happy to try and do what I can! I think that you are making the right decisions to go fully loaded at him. And dont' let him know what you are doing.

I did build a wall, still have one. But counseling has really really helped me and is turning me back into the person I used to be. I know it will help you and your children! I hope everything works out for you and your children, I know it will and I look forward to hearing how it is going. I was going to look for some legal help out there (as per your first comment) so I am glad you have found a potential source. I will def keep looking to see what I can find in your area and am still waiting for that place to email me back with information.
I have found that a lot of abused women have anxiety - I find this very very interesting. I guess this is our bodies way of dealing with the internal pain that we are dealing with. But once you do leave him with your children, your anxiety will be eliminated and go away. I truely believe that the abusers and our fear of them is what is causing our anxiety.

Lo said...

Hi, I hope that you had a Great Christmas with you and your son, you deserve it!

abusemom81 said...

Thank you kindly! We did have a good Christmas, although he spent the day with his father: 10-5!! I think it was too long, and it did affect him. But all in all we had a good Christmas together.
I was thinking about you and your children - how have you made out? Did you have a safe and happy Christmas? ihope so because you too deserve it!

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