Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale

About Me

I am a 28 year old single mom of a 9 month old boy. He is my world and my life. Before I was pregnant I was in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. My son gave me the strenght to leave that man to create a good life for my child. My life has now become a matter of protecting my child to make sure the pattern of abuse does not get imposed on him so he is a "benefit to society" not a "menace to society". I am in the midst of a court battle for visitation and child support and it is taking all that I have to stay strong for my son. His father harasses me every chance he gets and is trying to take control back of my life and I won't let that happen. Please note I am not a counselor or psychologist; I am simply sharing what I have learned through my personal experience and time through counseling and groups to recover from abuse.



Thursday, March 11, 2010
So this falls along the lines of the rules of communication and again I found this really helpful. I hope you do too!

1. Do you let him treat you badly and then complain when he does? Remaining in the relationship and contact only makes you look crazy!

2. He will win, ONLY if you are easily intimidated or vulnerable.

3. If you are in an emotional state don't engage with him. Our emotions makes us look rediculous. Take a 10 minute walk to clear your mind and calm down first.

4. If engagement is unavoidable - use the following as weapons against him
a. Mirror and act like he does. Let him know how he looks. Refuse REFUSE to bargain or negotiate.
b. Don't argue with crazy people!!
c. Let at least 48 hours go by before responding to him. You will acheive great clarity in this timeframe.
d. Provide precise details as to what you expect. He will NOT (or claim not to) know otherwise.
e. Mentally devalueing and discarding your abuser will give you the mental edge.
f. To get a reaction out of you, your abuser will make bizarre comments and wait for you to respond. Do not respond as your silence is more effective.

5. Exchange the bare minimum of information required in a custody agreement. THIS IS A BIGGIE FOR ME PERSONALLY!!

6. Learn to recognize intimidation and his bluffing tactics and expect any attempts at discussion and reason to fail.

7. Give him enough rope and he will provide you the opportunity to record his abuse. Courtroom needed proof of abuse is WELL worth the wait. Be prepared and act as he will NOT give you a second chance.

Please read through these and practise them in your contacts with your abuser. They have really changed my approach and helped me to understand him and his ways more!


Anonymous said...

Waiting 48 hours to respond is tough. It's really good advice, it's just so hard for me personally because I want to just get it all over with, because I know there's going to be a confrontation every time something new comes up.

I have made the mistake of trying to be compromising and trying to make the abuser happy with the situation. It turned out to be a bad idea and I've now learned to give him nothing, do no favors for him.

I just read a good portion of Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen, written by a French psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and therapist with studies in victimology, stalking and emotional abuse. And it scared the heck out of me. Partly because so many things rang true, partly because just knowing its not in my imagination, and partly because it seems there is almost no relief from the constant attempts at emotional abuse and control (with the intent to destroy you body and soul) unless they find a new victim.

At the end are a few short chapters of practical advice on how to heal yourself and get your life back. I had to stop reading the book and read through those last sections because it was seeming almost hopeless.

I have to tell you that I check here often to see what advice or information you have to share that helps, uplifts and gives one hope.

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