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Saturday, March 6, 2010
7:08 PM | 
Posted by
abusemom81
So this is a continuation of the last post. Again, I found these really helpful and I hope that you do as well.
Rule 16 - If a correction is needed use the sandwich approach - praise, correction, finished with praise. Just like a teacher in elementary school!
Rule 17 - Do your best to anticipate his reactions and have counter responses ready. But don't overdo this as you can drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate his every move.
Rule 18 - Expect immature behaviour - remember who you are talking/emailing.
Rule 19 - Do not hesitate to contact or involve the police at any sign of violence or danger. You need to protection yourself and make sure you are safe at all times.
Rule 20 - Don't accept any "kind" gestures or offers from him. Also, don't offer to do anything for him or ask him for anything.
Rule 21 - Don't ever volunteer yourself. Make them ask and say no! This is your secret weapon!
Rule 22 - Abusers are FANTASTIC actors! He will appear to be pitiful and in need of your help. He will try to get you to feel sorry for him. DON'T!!!! Be strong
Rule 23 - Do not allow your abuser to ambush you for a response. If you don't want to respond DON'T!
So these are the 23 rules of communication with an abuser that were passed on to me and that I am sharing with you all! Next, I am going to focus on the rules of engagement with an abuser which I found equally helpful for my situation and I hope that you will too! Good luck and try to follows these techniques when communicating either via email or in person with your abuser!
Rule 24 - When you are in negotiations - State something that he MUST do before you do your part. OTherwise it will be a one sided negotiation.
Rule 25 - Play ball when it is neccessary to avoid being on the receiving end of a narcissistic outburst - it can be severe! Find ways to make it look like your abuser will win by co-operating. This I find the most challenging, but the most important! I dont know about you all, but I have been on the receiving end of a narcissitic outburst several times and it is not fun!
Rule 16 - If a correction is needed use the sandwich approach - praise, correction, finished with praise. Just like a teacher in elementary school!
Rule 17 - Do your best to anticipate his reactions and have counter responses ready. But don't overdo this as you can drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate his every move.
Rule 18 - Expect immature behaviour - remember who you are talking/emailing.
Rule 19 - Do not hesitate to contact or involve the police at any sign of violence or danger. You need to protection yourself and make sure you are safe at all times.
Rule 20 - Don't accept any "kind" gestures or offers from him. Also, don't offer to do anything for him or ask him for anything.
Rule 21 - Don't ever volunteer yourself. Make them ask and say no! This is your secret weapon!
Rule 22 - Abusers are FANTASTIC actors! He will appear to be pitiful and in need of your help. He will try to get you to feel sorry for him. DON'T!!!! Be strong
Rule 23 - Do not allow your abuser to ambush you for a response. If you don't want to respond DON'T!
So these are the 23 rules of communication with an abuser that were passed on to me and that I am sharing with you all! Next, I am going to focus on the rules of engagement with an abuser which I found equally helpful for my situation and I hope that you will too! Good luck and try to follows these techniques when communicating either via email or in person with your abuser!
Rule 24 - When you are in negotiations - State something that he MUST do before you do your part. OTherwise it will be a one sided negotiation.
Rule 25 - Play ball when it is neccessary to avoid being on the receiving end of a narcissistic outburst - it can be severe! Find ways to make it look like your abuser will win by co-operating. This I find the most challenging, but the most important! I dont know about you all, but I have been on the receiving end of a narcissitic outburst several times and it is not fun!
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Communication with an Abuser
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4 comments:
omg, rule 22.... so incredibly true. Like my comment before. He tries to make me feel sorry for him then I offer something, basically go out of my way. Then next time he wants something and I don't agree, well, I'm just immature and selfish and not being cooperative. All that, and not one time has he rearranged things to help me out or allow me to have the kids on a weekend that he's scheduled for so that I can take them to a special outing.
But having played the part in the abusive relationship for so long it's really hard to remember that he is the abusive one and I don't have to help him out in ANY way. I have the right to say no, I have the right to change my mind, I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I have the right to say I don't care.
I've never tried rule 24. I would like to see a senario where this would be used.
And Rule 23, I never thought about not responding, if I don't he emails over and over and says I didn't respond, yet just this last week I asked if he would take our 5yo son to a birthday party this weekend and he just completely ignored my email. He wouldn't even respond that he wasn't going to take our son to the party. NOTHING. Which just shows me that he's a controlling abuser. I just ignored it, I knew that nothing else would be of any use.
But what do I do when he keeps harassing me when I don't respond? How do I respond to that? In some ways it's just like when I was with him, meaning, it's not worth it to upset him, it just brings me more pain in the long run. I can't believe that is the correct attitude, but I don't know what else to do.
so for 24 my scenario is....I will use mine! My ex wants overnight visitation with my 11 month old. I tell him he can have that ONCE he stops doing drugs. He must do this, before I will give him something.
Once you start ignoring the non-relevant emails, he will stop!!! Trust me!! I have done with with my ex, and the emails and now fewer and further between. I also forward them to my dad to read first, and then if they are relevant he sends them to me. Otherwise, he doesn't so I never know what insults he was throwing at me! I also used to take (and still kind of do) the attitude not to upset him, but then he is STILL controlling you! So my counsellor keeps telling me to do what I feel is best and who cares how is is going to feel about it. It's not about him it is what is best for the children....
I wish I had someone to do the forward thing with. My mom helps me some but it makes her so frustrated, angry and sick that she just gives me help and wants to change the subject (to help ME get my mind off of it too).
I'm in the middle of something right now through email where he's threatening to take the teenagers activities away from them if I don't comply with his visitation changes he wants to me. Since there's nothing for him to give me first and he's altering the written arrangement anyway, with my approval, I've rescinded my approval and told him the only option he has now is to follow the parenting plan to the letter. Last time I suggested following it since we couldn't agree he threatened to take me back to court. Starts saying his attorney says this and that. But he must be bluffing because after telling him what my attorney said about it he berated me for bringing up my attorney. Now he refuses to respond, I can only anticipate that he is either trying to start some legal action or hoping I will worry he is. It has given me time to calm down, not react with fear, because that's what I usually do. Yes, I'm afraid of his threats, I can't help it. I lived with that fear for 20 years. I'm trying to improve and trying to give myself a break and know that I'm doing the best I can. It's sure not fun because my initial reaction is to give him whatever he wants. That's how I survived for so long, but I know that's not right and it's not going to help in the end. It just gives him more power. One of my phrases is always "he's not going to like this", or "this is going to make him really mad". It's hard for my to change my mindset. I'm so afraid that he can still hurt my or the kids if he doesn't get his way. And he does try to find some way to make things uncomfortable for the kids and then blames me because I'm being inflexible, childish, and not compromising.
I really appreciate your blog because it's helping me immensely. At least until I can get involved in a group, or with a counselor.
WOW! That is a tough situation, the only thing I can say is don't be intimidated by him. If you are doing what is best for the kids, you should not be afraid of going to court.I am glad my bog is helping you!
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