Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

I want to define exactly what Parental Alientation Syndrom is. Until I was going through the court process with my sons father, this is a term that I had never heard of before. But, it was thrown around and therefore struck my curiosity to learn about it.

This syndrome is classified as child abuse. Parental Alienation Syndrom is when one parent, slanders and puts the other parent down to their child, in hopes of turning their child against the other parent. Seriously, that's what this means.

Yes, during a custody case and divorce or separation there is animosity, anger, hate and emotions are flying high. But parents, lets be mature about this and keep the children involved innocent to what is going on. They are not pawns and are not be used to try and hurt the other parent: This only ends up hurting the children.

You love your children don't you? Then do what you can to protect them. Children who come from separated parents have enough to deal with emotionally, and being caught in the middle and dragged into the battle is not fair to them. They are innocent beings who love their parents and don't deserve to be treated this way.

So all in all: Leave the battle for the court room and your nasty opinions of each other to yourself! The children involved should NOT be subjected to this hate and anger. It will have a profound long term effect on them! And personally,I wouldn't what that on my conscience.

so last night I received an interesting comment from a women named Maybel Laine. I just had to respond to this comment. Firstly, I 100% urge everyone who reads my writing to comment, positive or negative, I am interested to hear your opinions on my writing. This comment means my voice is being heard.

In her comment there were a lot of assumptions that were made based on what I have written so far and I definitely want to clarify, in case any one else out there is making the same assumptions.

First: I do all my writing while my son is sleeping or visiting his father. This is my therapy and something I am passionate about. I love to write (always have) and have taken several writing courses through out my university and college careers. I have an 8 month old who takes naps during the day and goes to sleep early at night. I have some free time and what I choose to do with my free time is write! It is my hobby that I enjoy, so if you have an issue with me writing so what!!!!

secondly: I have always encouraged a relationship between my son and his father. I have also ALWAYS encouraged his father to get the help I feel he needs. I do not want him to treat my son the same way he treated me. Yes, according to Maybel Laine he has faults, but they don't matter. Well, they do matter. My son is an innocent child who doesn't deserve anything but the best. My son's father's, mother also encourages him to get the help he needs: yes he has faults, yes I have faults. But ultimately we should both improve ourselves for the sake of our son. I have done this and don't feel that he has.

thirdly: The battle in court I refer to in my profile, is over the father coming to me to see his son. I disagree with the principle that I should have to drive my son to his father and bear the expense. I don't receive child support and I deserve a few hours a week to my self; After all, this is when I write. It clears my head, gets things off my chest and helps me to raise awareness for other women out there like me. I know from readers and friends, that so far, my words are helping them. If I help only one person in this world, than I have succeeded in my goal! The court hearings are also about sole custody and child support. As Maybel Laine pointed out, it takes two to make a baby and two to raise him: This includes financial expenses! I love that men out there don't want to pay any expenses to help with their child, but feel they deserve all the rights! Why do us women have to bear the expense alone? I am against and strongly disagree with this notion. After all, with holding child support is ANOTHER form of abuse according to my counselor.

Fourthly: My writing is focused on abuse, raising awareness and having my voice heard. I don't want to focus on my son's relationship with his father; as this is between my son and his father. I have no say in how their relationship is. It is up to the father to build that relationship with my son. The only opinion I have is that the father better not treat me son poorly as the protective mother in me will come out if this happens! I am focusing on raising awareness and creating a place for women of abuse and sharing my story. Not about a relationship between an abusive man and his son. But by all means, he is more than welcome to write about his challenges and his story. That is his right!

So Maybel thank you for taking your time to read all my writings I really appreciate it. Thank you for taking your time to write a comment I also appreciate that. I hope this posting clarifies any assumptions that may have been taken from my reading so far. I don't fully understand where and how you came to your assumptions, but would love to hear from you as to what piece of writing it was that allowed you to jump to those conclusions!!! And I don't know what country you are in, but in the U.S.A you only get 6 weeks maternity leave, so there are millions of moms working with a 7 month old!!! Americans are not that lucky in this sense!

I love that people are reading what I have to say - this is my goal. I want abused women to know they are not alone and for society to understand what abuse is, and how common it is! I can list over 20 people off the top of my head, in my personal life, that have been abused in some form or another by their partner. It is a real issue and one that I am passionate about! Hence, my blog!!!!

So through my counseling and groups, I have to come to find a very common ground between all of the women: We all suffer from anxiety! I developed anxiety at the beginning of my abusive relationship: Although I didn't know that it was anxiety, actually I didn't what it was at all and was sick of my doctor telling me I was a hypocondriac.

See, I would wake up at night nauseated and vomitting for what appeared to be no reason at all. During the day I would be shaky, my heart would pound, I had trouble breathing and would hyperventilate, I would feel dizzy and constantly tired. When I had a panck attack like this at work it got recognized as a symptom of anxiety. This was a shock to me.

I began to learn more and seeked help for it. I was never fully in control of my anxiety when I was with my abuser, but now, one year later I am anxiety free. I am still a worry bug - but I relate this to being a mom!!!

Being a victim of abuse has proufoundly affected me and it has changed me: But, for the better. Although I went through hell, and I am still going through difficult times I will be a stronger women and a better mom. It has made me who I am and created a passion to raise awareness of what abuse is and to reach out and try and offer a place for victims to talk and to feel comfortable: WE DESERVE THIS!!! and we shouldn't be embarassed and ashamed any longer.

So, if you have physically been harmed by your partner: Please please please please, go see a doctor about it so you have it on record. Your partner doesn't need to know, you can simply state you are going for a physical or female issues or don't even tell him/her that you are going.

The fact is, if you are being physicall harmed, you are not going to stay forever. You may not yet have the confidence or courage to leave, but you will one day. And to protect yourself for that day, get the proof that you will need.

I have learned that unless you have it documented by the police, hospital or doctor it becomes a he said/she said battle. Your abuser is not going to admit that he/she hit you, so you need to ensure you have something indicating that it occured.

Protect yourself for the future.

So I wanted to make a post solely dedicated to the family law court sytem, in canada. I am currently still going through it, but as when I first started I had no clue what to expect:

First step: You go to court and file for custoy and other stipulations. they give you a court date.
second step: At this court date, nothing happens you simply set a date for a case conference.
third step: At the case conference you file your notes and the other party files theirs. here, a judge can not make a decision simply gives you his/her opinion. You are sent out to the hallway and your lawyers try to negotiate a temporary agreement. If it is met, it is for a certain time only. If it is not met, you will file a motion.
Fourth step: A temporary order was madea at the case conference and a few months later a settlement conference is scheduled. This is exactly the same as a case conference except the temporary order will be in place until trial. Or you can settle on a final order if the parties are in agreement.
fifth step: If no agreement is made, you will file a motion. Here is where evidence is submitted and the lawyers argue for you infront of a judge.Here, a judge WILL make a decision, temporary with a set period or until trial.
sixth stage: I am not this far yet so as I go, I will let you know!

I hope this helps answer your basic questions. I know when I started I was constantly searching for information and found very little in my search and was left learning as I went.

I have come to learn that despite my inner thoughts,I am still grieving this abusive relationship that I left over one year ago. I don't think about the guy, I don't desire him (shoot! I didn't while we were together), but I still hate him. I still have anger and he still knows how, and can frustrate me. Well, I guess I'm still grieving. It has been a year and I haven't dated, and don't want to date because I guess, as much as I hate admitting it, I am not ready to date!!

I have come to learn that grieving is a process in which the timeframe varies from person to person. There are three basic stages, the first is shock, disbelief, denial or acting stage. This would be when I left him. The second stage is the longest and filled with the most variances of emotions: From sadness to crying to hate and anger. Any emotion that is still felt towards the loss that you are grieving. And the third stage is the final stage where you are ready to move on with your life. Despite my greatest efforts, I am not quite here yet, I am stuck in the middle stage.

But in stating this, there is nothing wrong with me! Everyone is different, everyone grieves differently and everyone takes their own time to grieve. Al though I am still grieving I am in denial about grieving over him! I am grieving over the abuse and not ready to make myself vulnerable again! Hopefully, I can in due time, as life goes on!!!

Another painful form of abuse that leave a person helpless and broken, is when their partner cheats on them. I can't tell you how many people say to their partner "I would never cheat. I would leave you before I cheat"...(how many times have you or one of your friends made this statement or had it made to them). If you say this, please honour it!!! Why do men/women feel it neccessary to cheat on their partner? If you are not happy in the relationship, for what ever reason, then leave it! Don't stick around betraying your partner. This is disrespectful and leaves your partner helpless and broken. Not to mention, that person will develop trust issues and baggage that they will carry around with them.

In my opinion, being cheated on in another form of abuse. It has the same repurcussions and affects a person for the long term. It makes me sick, when I'm in a relationship, to think about my partner being with another women and the wonder and thought of it, can drive a person crazy!

It angers me, to hear stories of people trying to find out and suspecting it, but not knowing for sure: When they confront their partner they DENY DENY DENY. Well let me know tell you, your gut instinct and intuition is a powerful thing. If your body is telling you something is wrong, trust it!!! Don't ignore that feeling in the pit of your stomach and don't stick around to make yourself crazy. Chances are, that person is cheating and if they are not, then you do not trust them. Either way, the relationship is doomed so why delay it and have your self hurt more!!!!

So for those who (hopefully) will end up reading some of my blog, I am going a bit off topic with this posting. I have decided to start this blog to try and help those in abusive relationships, and raise awareness. It is a great place for me to share my opinions and here that of others!

For those of you who are moms, if you are anything like me, cooking is not a passion, but darn it I ENJOY EATING!!! Now, being a single mom and raising a son, I just don't have the time nor the money to eat out. Not to mention it is quite embarassing to go to a restaurant and have my son start screaming and not be able to stop. So eating out, has been basically eliminated from my life.

While surfing the net trying to find a "cookbook for dummies" type idea, I found a fantastic cooking collection that I must reccommend. It contains secret recipes from your favorite restaurants. The one I use the most is KFC!!! I love to now entertain and cook for myself...my meals actually taste good and are within my budget. I had to share my opinion, as I just finished cooking the most fantastic meal EVER and it got me excited and wanting to share it with all. I have added a link at the bottom of my blog, for those of you who want to check out this collection. It is the only collection you will need again for cooking and will save you hundreds of dollars!!

When I started to realize that i was in an abusive relationship, and started to seek help for the abuse and learned what abuse is, the term "narcissistic" came up frequently in my endeavour. What I learned and realized is that those who have a narcissistic personalities, are prime candidates to be abusers.

Narcissistic people have huge egos, a need to be admired and feel superior to other people. But, they are fragile, very sensitive and need their ego stroked and to be in control of making them selves feel powerful. If you know someone who fits this category, keep an eye out for abusive behaviour towards you. In my experience, trying to get them help can create more arguments and more abuse towards you!

It is difficult to live with and be in a relationship with this type of person, as they need to continually put you down and make you feel horrible about yourself. This in turn, makes them feel powerful and in control! You don't deserve to be treated this way and it can be difficult on your mental health and self perception.

It angers me to no end, to hear people make the comment "I never hit my partner, I'm not abusive!"....What on earth is this?????Abuse is sooooo much more than being beat up. Any act of violence against someone in attempt to control and intimidate is ABUSE!!!! If you throw a coffee table at me, punch the wall during an argument, whip a glass at me, put me down and call me names, blame all your problems on me, and take away my dignity and self-confidence - YOU HAVE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME!!! Not only men take these actions, but women as well. Society needs to be educated as to what abuse entails. Abusers need control at all times and victims just give in to appease their abuser. There are sooooo many people in this world being abused it sickens me.

I just got back from a group I am in for greiving and abused women. There are women out there who have been abused for 40 years and are now just realizing what they have endured and the effects it has had on their lives. Nobody has the right to treat others this way, and nobody deserves to be treated this way. I hope that I can help get the message and change societies misconception of what abuse really is. Our court systems almost promote it!! If there is no hospital records or police charges - well then, the abuse didn't happen!! PLEASE!!!! Police officers, judges, lawyers, social workers, Children's aid and all professionals in social service should be fully educated on what abuse is, the signs of abuse and the character of an abuser. Children, women and men everywhere need to be protected and shielded from this behaviour. ESPECIALLY children and teenagers! We need to stand up and become educated on the profound and long term effects of physical and emotional abuse!!!

So I am a 28 year old single mom who had leave an abusive relationship when I was three months pregnant. Spending 2.5 years in an abusive relationship, and now 1 year fighting with my narcissistic abuser in court has been draining emotionally and financially. I don't understand why we as women feel embarassed and ashamed! We don't want to talk about it, and don't want anyone to know what we have gone through. This notion, has to change. People - especially women - need to be educated on WHAT abuse is!!! We need not be ashamed of the abuse we endeared, instead learn from it and become stronger women in the future. We need to stand together and be proud to be strong independent women, mothers, daughters etc.

I want to share my story and I want to hear others stories. It is not fair to us, to have to hide in a corner and keep all of our emotions, fears and feelings hidden in fear that no one will beleive us, or in embarassment to admit what has happened to us. We are the victims and deserve to have a voice and be heard! These men, are the ones who should be embarassed and ashamed and should be shunned for their behaviour. Not us!!!!