Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

so time for another section of this wheel:

ISOLATION:

*Abusive men will try to control you not only in your own home, but also outside. They will determine where you go, who you see and can be friend with even what you read. For the abuser, the less people you are in contact with the better. It is easier for them to control and abuse you; if you have no one else in your life to turn to.

*Abusers will also use jealousy to justify their actions to you. This is really manipulative as they think you will like that they are jealous "because they love you" and place the blame of their controlling nature and abusive ways on jealousy: Again, blaming you are your actions for their problems.

Please don't fall for these techniques. If you notice either of these occuring in your relationship: really evaluate it, and determine if it is abusive or just "unhealthy".....

So I want to focus back again on the power and control wheel. The next area I want to touch on is:
USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE TO CONTROL YOU:

*So obviously abusive men will put you down to gain control of you. Whether they tell you you're crazy, they are too good for you, you are not attractive enough to be with them, you are fat or ugly etc...what ever the insult...it is emotional abuse and is meant to hurt you.

*Abusive men will make you feel bad about yourself. and make you self-conscience so you don't have the confidence to see that you are too good for them. Also, to make themselves feel like they are too good for you!

*Abusive men will call you names to gain control and power. For Example; stupid, dumb, crazy, psycho...anything that again puts you down.

*Abusive men will use tactics to make you feel crazy. When you are mad at something or upset, or try to stand up to them: They will tell you, that you are crazy and out of wack!! Don't believe them, you are not crazy and chances are, you have every reason to be upset or mad at them. (my abuser was a pro at this...still tries to convince the world that I am crazy and have psychological problems....)

*Abusive men will also play mind games with you. They will try and make you jealous, or stay out late to test you and play with your emotions and your mind.

*Abusive men will also humiliate you. Have you ever been in a store when he started yelling at you and embarassed you? or out with friends and he snipes on every comment you make? yep...this is his technique to control you no matter where you are.

*I love LOVE LOVE this last one: he will make you feel guilty!!! He will do everything and anything to make you feel guilty...The only example I can think of is my personal example. He harasses, verbally attacks me, waives his arms at me and starts arguments screaming, yelling and calling me names at every chance he gets, so I hired a third party to do the exchanges between him and myself for his visits with my son(the courts ordered this as well) and now he tries to make me feel bad because he doesn't work and can't afford the third party: We pay half, it's not expensive...but again he is trying to make me feel guilty...it ain't my problem that he chooses (CHOOOSES CHOOOSES CHOOOOOSES) not to work...that's his choice..not mine!!! So anytime he tries to flip the situation and make you feel guilty, think twice and don't MISPLACE YOUR COMPASSION...(the story I posted a few days ago really demonstrates this)

If you find that your partner is doing any of the above, you are in an abusive relationsip and he/she is trying to control you....

When you are feeling down, here is a great quote that I really like by Kahlil Gibran:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.And how else can it be?The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

I want to dedicate a few posts to the power and control wheel. The first time I saw this wheel, I almost fell off my chair as it really describes my ex. I know that other abused women feel the same. If you have never seen this wheel, I hope that these posts help you to understand the power and control that abusive men want and will try to do to gain their control over you.

There are 8 sections to this wheel each dedicating statements of what power and control are and the techniques abusive men use.

The first I am going to touch on is USING INTIMIDATION

USING INTIMIDATION

*Your abuser will use actions, looks and gestures to make you afraid of them. Waving their arms in the air, making fists, staring you down with a stern look on their face, yelling at you, calling you names etc. These are examples of what they will do.

*Your abuser will destroy your property, smash things, throw things. This is actually physical abuse. They are showing their violent nature and intimidating you by showing that they are stronger than you are and by using your property (or sometimes their own or combined propery). If they throw furniture, punch the wall, throw dishes etc. They are trying to scare you to give into them and to be afraid to go against them or disagree with them or NOT do what they want you to do.

*Your abuser will abuse pets. They will kick them, or smack them hard or throw them. They are showing you their anger and that you could be the one on the other end of that kick, smack or physical abuse. A first sign of an abuser is a man who tortures or kills animals as a young boy or teenager. Watch out for this one, because killing animals is a sign of a sociopath. Have you ever seen the "Butterfly Effect"....

*Your abuser will display weapons. This technique is used to completely intimidate you. That weapon is around and he will use it if he needs it. He is trying to scare you and it does work.

So again, this is just one section of the Power and Control Wheel. In my case, all of these apply to my abuser. In your case, maybe all or one or two but either way, if you are in a relationship and any of these techniques or examples are taking place, you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is showing his violent manner and controlling manner to ensure you are under his control.

So, I know that us abused women are not rich or flowing in filth, and there are a lot of folks in this world that need us. Yes, there are disasters world round and millions of people suffering; but, I just found out that the womens shelter in my city is out of food!

They have no food to offer the women and children who come to their centre for help and are now turning them away. Please for all those who have a little something extra, don't forget about your womens shelters when making donations.

I have donated what I can to the red cross for Haiti, I also donate semi-annually to the Pediatric society (they have a needle to give children who are born to HIV positive moms to prevent the babies from contracting HIV and AIDS) and I absolutely donate to my local womens shelter. They have been monumental in helping me through counseling and support in recovering from the abuse I endured.

Please, do not forget your local shelters when making your decision to donate. If every person donated 1 can or 1 dollar - it does make a difference!

So I usually have an idea of what I am going to post for the next week or so, but I am going off my plan here. Last night at my group session, we had a guest speaker and I wanted to share with you all some of the insight and information that she discussed and that I found to be powerful and helpful for me.

Our guest speaker talked about a case study done that is called "Resilient Adults: Overcoming a Cruel Past" By Gina Oconnell-Higgins. This case study looked at women who have been abused (mostly as children but the concept of domestic violence is still the same) who overcame their experience and became strong, independent, happy and loving adults. Some of the common qualities in these women are as follows:

*Resolved NOT to repeat the past and had a vision of something better for themselves
*They don't give into bitterness and have a high selfesteem
*They have "confrontation courage". This term I really liked. This does not mean they start arguments etc what it is meaning is that they stand up for themselves and confront the bullies in the world and those who do not treat people equally.
*When overcoming their abuse, they did not forgive their abuser, but they understand the abuse that occured and don't let it control them.
*They have become stronger and more effective because of their experience.

I find that these are great qualities, and ones that I strive for. If us abused women can look at our experience, and know that we won't let it happen again, and that we can and WILL overcome it to a happier life, we will be stronger, more compassionate and understanding because of what we went through.

I am going to find this case study and read the whole thing. I found it very interesting and intriguing.

So I want to provide my thoughts and feelings towards the short story I posted a few short days ago.

I feel that the title is excellent and really shows a common pattern in abused women. Abused women, will show compasssion towards their abuser and have the thought that he is abusing her because of what is going on in his life. She feels as though if she shows compassion and feels sorry for him and tries to fix his problem, he will stop abusing her.

This again, is a strong misconception when you are in this type of situation. Your abuser, will ALWAYS have something or someone to blame for his anger and abusive ways. You can't show him compassion, as he is not showing you any. And honestly, why does he deserve your compassion?

To the abused women out there, you should be showing compassion towards yourself and your children (if you have any). If you are demonstrating compassion towards your abuser, is it MISPLACED! No matter what you do, how hard you try, he will always have an excuse for his actions and that will never change. Whether he blames you, his work, his parents, the government! He will always, blame something or someone else because he is the victim in his eyes: But in reality, you are the victim and are the one that needs compassion and help.

You can't change him: An abuser can be changed, but only when they realize their actions are their fault, within their control and when they seek professional help.

I want to share with you all, a short story that we read and discussed in one of my group sessions a few weeks ago. It is a disturbing story, but one that describes what my situation was like when I was pregnant. And one that describes many situations I am sure.

I hope that this story can make people realize how many women out there are just "living" with the abuse and trying to keep the peace for their childrens sake. I hope that this story gets you thinking and I am hoping that some of you will share your comments and opinions as to what you think about it.

MISPLACE COMPASSION
BY SHIRLEY OBERG

She picked her way painfully through the littered living room strewn with the debris of his violence. With a muffled groan she sank into the brown stuffed chair crossing her hands on her swollen pregnant stomach. She had to rest a minute before putting everything aright. The kids would be up in a few minutes. Three children, and not one of them ever slept past seven.

Under her hands, the baby moved. Looking down she noticed that her wrists were swollen and bruised. He had grabbed her wrists and twisted her to her knees. Her body was awakening to the sore spots. Time later to assess the damage. Imperative now to get the house in order so the kids wouldn't notice. Get the water on for cereal. Start the coffee. Make things right, normal. Drawing in a determine breath, she pulled herself out of the chair.

A dozen aching deeds later, she heard him in the bathroom. She glanced nervously around. Everything was set aright; Judy sent cheerfully off to school, Alice and Tony seated in front of the TV, a broken mirror and glasses tidily disposed of, a pot of leftovers simmering into soup on the stove.

The kitchen filled with his presence, but she did not turn around from the sink. A chair scraped the floor and creaked under his weight.

"Do you want some coffee?" she asked, staring into the tile above the sink.

He didn't answer. The baby moved heavily in her stomach. Glancing over her shoulder she saw his brooding face as she stared out the window. Her hands continued washing plates and glasses, as the sinking feeling settled into her.

"What's wrong?"

"it's no use," his voice was heavy with defeat. "I'm letting the garage go"

"No. You can't"

The ramshackle building down on Fifth STreet proclaiming "ARTS CRAFT; BODY SHOP AND SMALL ENGINE REPAIR" in bright red letters across the top had been his dream for five years. Five years of seemingly endless sacrifice.

"Can't we just make partial payments on these bills?" she asked.

"No." He shoved the chair back in disgust. "Too little, too late." Running his hand through his hair he snorted, "How in the hell can I get ahead by making payments? I can't even support this family on what the shop is making."

Not looking at her, he took the cup of coffee held out to him.

"Let the bastards foreclose." He turned and stared out the window in studied defeat.

Bracelets of pain clasped her wrists as she wrung the dish cloth and started wiping down the counter.

"We can't give up now, Art" She made her voice determined.

"We," he mimicked with a pointed clance at her stomach, then glaring out the window.

"Don't worry," she said brightly, her mind racing. "You don't have to give up the shop. I know where we can get the money"

His look was half suspicious, half incredulous.

"Where?"

"From my dad," she plunged forward before he could object. "He called yesterday and said if there was anything he could do for us to let him know, he would be glad to help."

"He said that? I thought he didn't like me"

"Oh, don't be silly", she lied cheerfully, "that's just the way he is. He thinks you're one of the hardest working men he knows."

Watching the relief smooth out the tension on his face, she kep her reassuring smile stuck firmly in place while he gathered up his jacket and tools.

With his red and white cap perched back on his head he gave her a wink and a wave from the car, and gunning the engine to show his excitement, squealed out, once again in charge of his world.

Soon she could rest. Take the two kids with her into the big bed, and they would all take a two-hour nap.

But quickly, before her courage failed she dialed the phone.

"Dad? Hi, it's Laura"

"Really?"

"I know. It's been a long time. How are you? Good, that's good. I'm glad. Me?" As she gripped the phone, pain rippled up her arm. "Oh, fine. We're just fine. The kids are doing great. Except..." She laughed nervously. "I'm pregnant again. Which is why I'm calling Dad..."

I find this short story to be very though prevoking and disturbing.

Any comments or thoughts?

Ok so now I want to go over healthy supports. Recovering from abuse is one in which you need support and friends who understand and who are there for you in a healthy way:

*Listen
*They are always there for you
*They offer you help
*They acknowledge your experience and how hard it has been for you
*They remember and remind you of your accomplishments
*They keep your personal information confidential
*They focus on your strengths and your ability to get through things
*They will challenge your thinking in a positive way
*They ask about ideas and offer thier thoughts and opinions.

Please, re-evaluate those you have chosen to lean on for support and make sure they are really helping, there for you and are a positive force in your life. You need positive people around you and people who truely care for you!

So I wanted to add a post or two about friends and supports. When you have gone through abuse and are trying to recover from it, friends and help are a must. But, healthy ones are what you need. Here are some signs on an Unealthy Support/Friend:

*They are there for you when they feel like it
*They tell you how to do it better
*Start telling you how their experiences are much worse than your experience
*They remember and remind you of your mistakes
*They gossip and tell others about your personal life
*They think they know everything
*They tell you about all the things you did wrong
*They focus on your weaknesses and give you reasons why you will not succeed.

If you are finding that those you are trying to confide in and are turning to help, take these approaches with you; reconsider them as a strong support. You need good and healthy support and people that you can depend on to help you through this.

So through my research I have begun to find a huge link between men who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and abusive men. Here is the link that I have found and my theory for why those who suffer with this disorder are high candidates to be abusers:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Those with this disorder have a high need for admiration, prestige and power. They lack empathy and are obsessed with personal adequacy. They are self centered, desire power and want to be constantly praised - and will go to any lengths to be praised.

Abusers: They lack empathy, they crave power and control, they are selfish as they care only about themselves and their feelings - not the people in their life.

Now that I have broken down and defined each - it is real easy to see the link and why those who have NPD have a high rate of being abusive.

Pay attention to the signs of both and if you are in a new relationship and see the "red flags' save yourself to avoid further abuse.

To my readers:

I have been playing around with templates for a while, and wasn't a fan of my old one. I have uploaded this new template and still am not 100% sure.

Any one care to share their opinions - do you like this template? I have to decide before I pay for the program, and being a single mom, I want to make sure the template works before I pay.

Your opinions would be greatly valued,

So I wanted to bring some disturbing statistics to everyone's attention. Society has this misbelief that abuse is rare, however, I have found some statistics that show how common it really is.

7% of women in this world are abused at some point in their lives. This is 420 000 000 women who have or will be abused

Women are 10 times more likely to fear for their lives than men and on average experience 10 violent episodes.

11% of female victims are stalked by their ex partners

Between 40-45% of murdered women, are murdered by their partner

Between 1-2 women (in the Uk only for this Stat) per week are murdered by their partner

I find these statistics disturbing and that they really demonstrate the need of awareness and the misconception society has about abuse. It's out there, whether the victims know they are being abused or not. We should not be embarassed, and should stand together to try and raise awareness and education on what abuse is and the effects of abuse on women.

Happy new year everyone! I hope that 2010 blesses you all with joy, happiness and safety. Whatever your journey this year, it is for the best.
I wanted to start 2010 with a poem that I love and really see myself and all abused women in. I hope you enjoy:

WARRIOR WOMAN

She stands alone,
but I see the spirits
of so many others
survivors of the same battle
amassed behind her.

She stands alone,
but with each word she speaks
I hear the walls of silence
imprisoning the guiltless
come crashing down

She stands alone,
but in light of her courage
I feel a shift, a change,
in my deepest heart.

Each beat like throbbing drums
that pound out a call to battle,
echoes with my new found strength.

She stands alone,
before the world
to proclaim her innocence
and mine!

Warrior woman. I hear you!
Like golden arrows your
words do battle with
the swirling darkness.

Warrior woman, I see with awe,
your undefeated spirit that
fights for freedom, and wellness,
and I know that it is my own.

Warrior woman,I recognise,
though you may not
that you have spoken
for all who cannot speak,
and fought for all
who cannot fight.
Warrior Woman, I thank you!

Leslie Vaughn.