BELIEVE

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale

About Me

I am a 28 year old single mom of a 9 month old boy. He is my world and my life. Before I was pregnant I was in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. My son gave me the strenght to leave that man to create a good life for my child. My life has now become a matter of protecting my child to make sure the pattern of abuse does not get imposed on him so he is a "benefit to society" not a "menace to society". I am in the midst of a court battle for visitation and child support and it is taking all that I have to stay strong for my son. His father harasses me every chance he gets and is trying to take control back of my life and I won't let that happen. Please note I am not a counselor or psychologist; I am simply sharing what I have learned through my personal experience and time through counseling and groups to recover from abuse.

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Saturday, January 23, 2010
I want to dedicate a few posts to the power and control wheel. The first time I saw this wheel, I almost fell off my chair as it really describes my ex. I know that other abused women feel the same. If you have never seen this wheel, I hope that these posts help you to understand the power and control that abusive men want and will try to do to gain their control over you.

There are 8 sections to this wheel each dedicating statements of what power and control are and the techniques abusive men use.

The first I am going to touch on is USING INTIMIDATION

USING INTIMIDATION

*Your abuser will use actions, looks and gestures to make you afraid of them. Waving their arms in the air, making fists, staring you down with a stern look on their face, yelling at you, calling you names etc. These are examples of what they will do.

*Your abuser will destroy your property, smash things, throw things. This is actually physical abuse. They are showing their violent nature and intimidating you by showing that they are stronger than you are and by using your property (or sometimes their own or combined propery). If they throw furniture, punch the wall, throw dishes etc. They are trying to scare you to give into them and to be afraid to go against them or disagree with them or NOT do what they want you to do.

*Your abuser will abuse pets. They will kick them, or smack them hard or throw them. They are showing you their anger and that you could be the one on the other end of that kick, smack or physical abuse. A first sign of an abuser is a man who tortures or kills animals as a young boy or teenager. Watch out for this one, because killing animals is a sign of a sociopath. Have you ever seen the "Butterfly Effect"....

*Your abuser will display weapons. This technique is used to completely intimidate you. That weapon is around and he will use it if he needs it. He is trying to scare you and it does work.

So again, this is just one section of the Power and Control Wheel. In my case, all of these apply to my abuser. In your case, maybe all or one or two but either way, if you are in a relationship and any of these techniques or examples are taking place, you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is showing his violent manner and controlling manner to ensure you are under his control.

3 comments:

sugarplumdream said...

Please keep posting these things. I need it. I've heard some of this, but it's helpful to hear it worded different ways. I went through the majority of these things as well.

These behaviors were evident before I married my abuser, but I didn't know better. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and I didn't even know that these behaviors were abusive.

One thing I have learned is that if you grow up with abuse then any abuse that is just slightly below what you grew up with, you might not consider abuse. Which is part of what I figure happened with me. My mom was physically abused very severely and since my abuser hardly ever laid a hand on me then I figured I was lucky to not be with an abusive person. Women need to be aware of what behavior is abusive behavior, because all abusive behavior will eventually tear you down and destroy you the same way beating you black and blue will.

sugarplumdream said...

I meant to include something in my other comment. My abuser would take things I bought for myself, or for example, I had a beautiful, simple wooden jewerly box that was given to me for my high school graduation, so he would decide that I wasn't using __________ (fill in the blank, jewerly box, filing box, etc) and take it from me and tell me he needed it and would be using it from now on. About a year before the seperation and divorce I bought two inexpensive filing cabinets and had a organizer help me come up with a really effective filing system. In the divorce my abuser INSISTED he have one of the filing cabinets when they cost about $35 at walmart. It was just another ploy to exercise dominion over something that I had made my own. Just a simple, inexpensive item that I was using and he decided I didn't need or deserve. Luckily I got my little wooden jewerly box back even though he had taken it from me and used it for years and years, ie. filled it with his stuff and it just sat around. But I got it back. I always felt like there was something wrong about him taking my things away from me, but I was too afraid to stand up for myself.

abusemom81 said...

hey Sugarplumbdream:

It saddens me to hear about the amount of abuse you have been subjected to in your life. Your ex sounds like quite the controlling and immature man....at least you got your sentimental jewellry box back! I do agree that if the abuse you are enduring is less than you grew up with, than you don't consider it abuse. It also saddens me to know how many women out there (like me and you) are or were being abused and didn't realize it until it after it had already changed and affected them. Emotional abuse is just as painful as physical abuse. I am going to continue to post about the power and control wheel, but today I want to post an inspirational quote that I hope you like!

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