Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

From my experience and my research a lot of abusive men suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have touched on this in past posts, however, I want to provide a list of symptoms and some further information on this disorder. Please read these symptoms carefully and compare them to your abuser.

* They believe that they are better than other people
* They exaggerate their acheivements and/or talents
* They expect constant praise and admiration
* They believe that they are special and act accordingly
* They do NOT recognize other peoples emotions and feelings
* They expect others to go along with their plans and ideas
* They take advantage of others
* They are jealous of others
* They believe that others are jealous of them
* They have trouble keeping healthy relationships
* They set unrealistic goals
* They have a very fragile self-esteem
* They appear unemotional.

When I read this list, I can't believe how much it describes my abuser. Had I educated myself before, I would have seen this disorder in him, many years ago. He would make comments like "I am hot, I should be famous. I am better looking than Brad Pitt" Or "My music is better than theirs I should be praised" (ya he can't even read music...???)...He thought and still does, that he was gods gift to women, this world and he deserves everything. He treated everyone like they were beneath him and needed to be constantly praised and complimented. If you are in a relationship with someone and this list sounds like them, you should consider the possiblity that this person suffers from this disorder, and stands a good chance to be abusive: If they are not already!

I want to start this post off by saying R.I.P Uncle Pete I know you are having a great time where you are now!

In my group we are discussing coping and survival skills and I thought this would be a great post as I haven't touched on this at all in the past.

When caught in an abusive relationship there are standard survival/coping skills that us women will rely on to get us through it. It is human nature to react in the following manners.

*ADDICTIONS: This is the coping skill that I personally used for the 2.5 years that I was being abused.
Alcohol
Drugs
Smoking
TV
Gambling
Overeating
Exercise/diet
Internet
Work

No matter what your addiction is, it is normal and a survival skill that is built into us humans. It is not a healthy way of living, but it is natural do react in manners listed above. The first step is to recognize the abuse, and the second is to recognize how you have changed in order to survive and cope with your pain.

*SHUT YOURSELF OFF:
It is natural to shut off and feel numb inside. Again, this is our way of coping with the pain that we are/have endured. It is easier to shut off than to deal with reality

*DIFFICULTY TRUSTING:
This is another big one, and one that is natural as a human being to cope with your pain. This is hard to get over, but it can be accomplished with your hope to get over and move on from your past.


These are just a few, but in my opinion, the most common and the ones that I wanted to touch base on. Remember that you are resilient and you do have the ability to survive and get past what you have been through. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to reach out for help.

I want to end this post by wishing everyone a Happy Easter Long Weekend and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful weather with your family and friends.

So I am going to make this post about myself and my progress. I am getting a little sentimental today, because one year ago today was the day that I was induced and my first son was born on March 27 (tomorrow) 2009. I was so scared, petrofied really, of not only being a single mom, but having to deal with my abuser on a regular basis. On the way to hospital I sat in the car in silence wondering what the next year will bring and how I could move past everything that I had been through, and raise my son in a happy home.

Well one year has flown by and I made it through. I am a different person and my life and soul do not reflect any damages that my abuser did to me. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, and left when I was three months pregnant. I tried to leave many times before, but was caught in the cycle of abuse.

I have been through a year of counselling, 6 months of group with strong and wonderful women who have been through similar experiences and been doing this blog now since October. I have escaped the emotional and physical damage that he did to me. I have learned and educated myself about abuse in order to understand his tactics and to move on. I no longer live in fear and have escaped my anxiety as well.

I have moved on with my life and have a new found confidence in myself, not only to live life the way I want, but to find a new man who will treat me with respect and love. I know the red flags, I know the techniques and I know how to recognize them - I can see them a mile away now! Going through what I went through has made me a stronger women, a better mom, a more compassionate person and I am finally at peace and bliss with my life. I am truely happy with where I am and where my life is going to go.

For you women who are still in an abusive relationship, or are just leaving one and struggling to move past the damage and hurt that you have, reach out and get professional help! I did and it changed my life. I see everything in a new light and I have moved on. I have a restraining order against him, independent third parties that do the exchanges with my son and I am free from his control, abuse and narcissistic attacks. I have the rules of communication and I follow them to escape his constant attempt at "email wars".

I will not back down and will continue to do what is best for my son and of course for my self. Life is good and I love this blog as a way to educate myself further and hopefully help those women who are out there and feeling lost, lonely and hurt. I was there, I understand and I want to say that you can get through it - YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and be happy again! Life is so precious and beautiful, but it is what we have been through that make us who we are. If we never experience true pain and sorrow - how do we know when we are really happy? I am not saying being abused is a good thing, but if it has happened to you (as it did with me) try to see the positive, learn what you can and make sure it never happens to you or anyone you love again! Don't let you abuser win in damaging you forever, take control and do everything you can to find love, happiness and peace within yourself.

Happy Birthday to my precious son who is my angel. Ayden, you saved me and you are my miracle. I wake up everyday just to see you smile and to see the joy of you growing up and being a happy young man. You are my life and you make me the happiest person in the world! I love you buddy!

During my counselling session this week my counsellor gave me a task. She wants me to write a post on this blog, about the interesting fact of legal aid versus having to pay for a lawyer.

In my personal situation, my ex is on legal aid and I do not qualify for legal aid (I own my home) so I have to pay for a high priced lawyer. And yes, lawyers charge a pretty penny.

We have been to court approximately 10 times in the past year which has costed me thousands of dollars and him NOTHING! Now I fully support legal aid and it's importance but there are a few aspects that I find extremely frustrating.

Firstly:

Because I bought a home to raise my son in, I don't get legal aid. I get less money than my ex and support my son by my self (with out any child support) yet the government won't help me with my legal costs? The message I see here, is if you are going through court, don't own a home. Make sure you have a small apartment and no yard to raise your child.....I disagree with this fully!

Secondly:

The judges are not allowed (supposed) to know who is on legal aid and who isn't. I don't understand this concept? When you fighting for costs and the lawyers are arguing the judge should be aware of who is paying for their lawyer and who is not when making this decision.

Thirdly:

Due to the fact that my ex isn't paying for his lawyer, he doesn't care! He will go to court as many times as he wants, take advantage of it and cost me thousands of dollars just because he can! There should be more severe limitations and regulations around legal aid...these are my tax dollars paying for him to use a lawyer for free!

Fourthly:

The order of costs. My ex has been ordered costs - he was ordered in November (a fairly large sum) but given a full year to pay because he is on legal aid and doesn't have money...Well, I am a single mom on maternity leave who has my lawyer right away! If he would have negotiated and worked with us, we would not have to go to court so often. So I had to pay thousands and wait a year for him to pay me???? Then a few weeks ago, he again was ordered more costs and ordered this time to pay right away...I haven't seen anything? My lawyer says I probably won't...So what are the consequences to him??? I can't say to my lawyer "well I can't pay you today but wait a year until I get my money!!" So why can he???

Fifethy:

When the judges are making their costs orders, they ask about prior orders. Twice now, he has not been ordered to pay anything (even though technically in law terminalogy I won) because he already has an order to pay. Again, WHAT ABOUT ME???? I am only in court, because of him, yet I have to pay and he doesn't???????

Sixthly:

When we are heading into court, because I pay and he doesn't, I am reasonable, fair and only ask and request what is the best for my son. He isn't at all! He shoots for the stars and makes everything rediculously challenging WHY??? Because he doesn't care it isn't costing him anything...

Seventh:

The lovely matter of child support. Why is it, that he makes enough to pay child support, to afford a lawyer but pays nothing and I have to take him to trial to get child support and costs orders (several have been adjourned to trial)??? What is this all about??? Again, his attitude is well it doesn't cost me anything so I will avoid it as long as possible and cost her money trying to get it out of me. My attitude, if you have a child HELP ME SUPPORT HIM! My lawyer fees are driving me into the ground. I don't want to sell my house just to get child support. My home is for my son!

So this is my rant about legal aid versus paying for a lawyer. I find this frustrating and outrageous and feel that the regulations around legal aid should be changed. It is a great concept for those who need it and will use it wisely, but for those who take advantage of it and abuse it - they should be cut off!

If you are coming to my blog and are trapped in an abusive relationship you may find this post helpful. I want to touch base on the reasons that a woman will stay in an abusive relationship. If you are (or have just left one) you most likely have felt these emotions. They are very valid concerns and feelings; but please don't blame yourself, don't be ashamed and take action to get your life back.

Women will typically stay in an abusive relationship for the following reasons:

1. FEAR - She is scared she may lose her children, for her and her childrens safety, and the most difficult fear of the unknown! We are all afraid of the unknown.

2. SHAME - Women who are or have been abused generally feel embarassed and ashamed of what has happened to her. Please do not feel ashamed, it is not your fault and you are amongst millions and millions of other women who have or are in the same situation as you.

3. ISOLATION - A technique of an abuser is to isolate his victim. Therefore a women in this situation may remain because she has little access to support, any attempts she has made to leave or get help were sabatoged by her partner and her partners isolation has created a dependency on him.

4. HELPLESSNESS - An abused women sees her partner has having all the power and her having none. She believes she is worthless and can't do better so she stays in that relationship because "she deserves it!". She has a lack of control over her own life and any prior attempt was unsuccessful so why try.

These are only some of the reasons a women may stay in an abusive relationship, but ones that I felt are feelings and thoughts that most abused women have. If you are blaming yourself for not leaving earlier, or if you are trapped in a relationship please know that you are not alone, there is a lot of support out there for you and you can take that step and get your life back. It is a challenge, but one that is easier than staying and being abused!

So when I am thinking about things and looking for inspiration and motivation I really enjoy finding meaningful quotes and poems. I have a poem that I would like to share. I don't think I have posted it yet (I hope I haven't).

This poem really speaks to me and means a lot in my opinion,

SURRENDER

Sometimes we find ourselves stripped of the
many lawyers of self-sufficiency and image
behind which we have hidden for so long.
As we honestly confront our own shadow
and deep fears, we are called to stand
with our arms raised in a cry of naked
surrender before a Divine Presence who
sees through our masks to the truth of who
we are. Surrounded by this unconditional love,
we can let down our guard as we continue to discover:
In our emptiness, we are filled,
In our nakedness, we are loved,
In this solitary space of surrender,
before the Holy, we are never alone.

Doris Klein.

I hope you enjoy this and this poem also speaks to you!

So this falls along the lines of the rules of communication and again I found this really helpful. I hope you do too!

1. Do you let him treat you badly and then complain when he does? Remaining in the relationship and contact only makes you look crazy!

2. He will win, ONLY if you are easily intimidated or vulnerable.

3. If you are in an emotional state don't engage with him. Our emotions makes us look rediculous. Take a 10 minute walk to clear your mind and calm down first.

4. If engagement is unavoidable - use the following as weapons against him
a. Mirror and act like he does. Let him know how he looks. Refuse REFUSE to bargain or negotiate.
b. Don't argue with crazy people!!
c. Let at least 48 hours go by before responding to him. You will acheive great clarity in this timeframe.
d. Provide precise details as to what you expect. He will NOT (or claim not to) know otherwise.
e. Mentally devalueing and discarding your abuser will give you the mental edge.
f. To get a reaction out of you, your abuser will make bizarre comments and wait for you to respond. Do not respond as your silence is more effective.

5. Exchange the bare minimum of information required in a custody agreement. THIS IS A BIGGIE FOR ME PERSONALLY!!

6. Learn to recognize intimidation and his bluffing tactics and expect any attempts at discussion and reason to fail.

7. Give him enough rope and he will provide you the opportunity to record his abuse. Courtroom needed proof of abuse is WELL worth the wait. Be prepared and act as he will NOT give you a second chance.


Please read through these and practise them in your contacts with your abuser. They have really changed my approach and helped me to understand him and his ways more!

So this is a continuation of the last post. Again, I found these really helpful and I hope that you do as well.

Rule 16 - If a correction is needed use the sandwich approach - praise, correction, finished with praise. Just like a teacher in elementary school!

Rule 17 - Do your best to anticipate his reactions and have counter responses ready. But don't overdo this as you can drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate his every move.

Rule 18 - Expect immature behaviour - remember who you are talking/emailing.

Rule 19 - Do not hesitate to contact or involve the police at any sign of violence or danger. You need to protection yourself and make sure you are safe at all times.

Rule 20 - Don't accept any "kind" gestures or offers from him. Also, don't offer to do anything for him or ask him for anything.

Rule 21 - Don't ever volunteer yourself. Make them ask and say no! This is your secret weapon!

Rule 22 - Abusers are FANTASTIC actors! He will appear to be pitiful and in need of your help. He will try to get you to feel sorry for him. DON'T!!!! Be strong

Rule 23 - Do not allow your abuser to ambush you for a response. If you don't want to respond DON'T!

So these are the 23 rules of communication with an abuser that were passed on to me and that I am sharing with you all! Next, I am going to focus on the rules of engagement with an abuser which I found equally helpful for my situation and I hope that you will too! Good luck and try to follows these techniques when communicating either via email or in person with your abuser!

Rule 24 - When you are in negotiations - State something that he MUST do before you do your part. OTherwise it will be a one sided negotiation.

Rule 25 - Play ball when it is neccessary to avoid being on the receiving end of a narcissistic outburst - it can be severe! Find ways to make it look like your abuser will win by co-operating. This I find the most challenging, but the most important! I dont know about you all, but I have been on the receiving end of a narcissitic outburst several times and it is not fun!

So this has been a grave challenge for me: We share a child so we have to be (minimal at that) in contact. I was struggling with my communication as when he would be angry, put me down etc in an email I would respond with frustration and anger back at him. I told my counsellor about my frustrations and how I am sick of getting into "email wars" with him and she gave to me the most helpful information to date. I want to share this with all of you and dedicate a few posts on the techniques that you should be using when communication with an abusive man

The first rule is to be assertive, brief, precise and show no agression. Keep it to the point, ignore his rude comments and state only what is neccessary to state. Initiating an argument is what he wants. So don't let that happen.

The second rule is to avoid being nice to your abuser. They will see this as a sign of being weak and prounce on you like prey.

The third rule is to ignore his nasty comments. Ignoring them will be more annoying to him as he is doing it to get a reaction out of you.

The fourth rule is to avoid hot topics. He will see this as an attack and attack you back. Stick to the bare minimum and only what you need to.

The fifth rule is to recognize his attempts to bait you and to push your buttons. Don't reward his attempt.

The sixth rule is to avoid overloading with information and stick to one subject at a time.

The seventh rule is to not let your abuser change the subject and go off track.Keep refocusing on the topic at hand. The instant the blame game, sarcastic comments, criticism, insults etc occur walk away or stop communicating.

The eigth rule is that boundaries are non-negotiable. Do not participate in your abuse.

The nineth rule is to remember that they are patholigical liars - avoid asking questions and assume everything is a lie to avoid disappointment.

The tenth rule is to learn the difference between statements and questions. Don't respond to statements (especially insulting ones)

The eleventh rule is not to reveal anything about yourself. Do not show him any vulnerability - again he will prounce on this like prey

The twelfth rule is to pay attention to projection. By being observative you may be able to find out what your abuser is up to and what games are coming next.

The thirteenth rule is if you are a submissive person by nature - learn to be assertive.

The fourteenth rule is to understand you can say "NO" without explanation.

The fifteenth rule is to expect him to try and wear you down. Enjoy the show and dont let him!!!

Ok so these are the first 15. I don't want to overload one post so I will be splitting them up. I hope you find these helpful, I know I did and they have (and will) help me in communicating with my abusive ex.

So I just wanted to say how FANTASTIC the olympics were...I have Olympic fever and now it is over...I am in withdrawal!! Canada did amazing and the crows at Vancouver were awesome...I am also very impressed with the Americans performance!!!

So I wanted to do a post on dealing with loneliness after leaving an abusive relationship. It is difficult to be on your own, especially when you are dealing with the consequences of the abuse you suffered and are trying to heal from it. I want to offer some suggestions of ways you can help deal with the loneliness so that it does not overtake you!

1. Get a pet - a cat or a dog are great companions and are always there for you! Personally, i have a dog (he does live with my parents though long story) and i just adopted a wonderful cat "buddy"!

2. Volunteering. This is not only a great way to get out and get your mind off things, but you can also meet some inspiring people who could change your life forever.

3. Check out the website MeetUp.com. This website offers support groups and local hobby clubs like a book club or scrap booking. Having hobbies and meeting people with similar interests is a great way to move on and to bring joy and happiness back into your life.


These are just a few ways to help deal with loneliness and to move on. Dealing with the grief of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and a process - it does not happen overnight. But, getting out there, meeting new people, having companionship and taking up a hobby is a great way to relieve the heart ache, stress and to get your mind of things...Personally, I love to dig into a good movie. A few weeks back I rented Transformers (I know kind a cheesey but it reminds me of being a kid..I loved transformers growing up) and I sunk into the 2.5 hour movie and forgot about my life and my stresses. I felt great afterwards and it was a nice break from the reality of what i have been through!

Hello ladies and gents!!

Unfortunately, I have Olympic fever!! I get it every olympics!!! I will try to do some posting through out; however, I get to post only while my son is sleeping and right now when he sleeps I am glued to the T.V!!

Sorry for the lack of posting, but for the next few weeks I may be glued to the T.V watching these fantastic athletes compete!!!

Thanks for your understanding!

So this is my final post in my series of posts on the Power and Control Wheel. When I first read this wheel, I couldn't believe it! It was the story of my abuser and my life for the past 3 years. He used over 95% of these techniques so they are good to know and to be aware of!

* An abuser will make threats to hurt you or to do something to you, in order to get his way. For example: If you don't give me what I want, I will call your mother and tell her how crazy you are!

*Your abuser will threaten to commit suicide if you leave him. This is his way of trying to convince you that he loves you and needs you. But, this is not healthy and leaves you feeling trapped and hopeless

*If you contact the police to charge your abuser, he will make you drop the charges "or else!" The difficult part is, it can sometimes be very stressfull, difficult and a lot of backlash comes your way for taking this step. But, this is a step that you need to take if your abuser is physically harming you.

So as mentioned, this is the last section of the power control wheel. Any thoughts or comments on these techniques?

Second last section of the power and control wheel. I hope these postings are helping you to understand some of the techniques that abusive men will use. Hopefully you can use this in your present, past or future understanding and avoidance of abusive relationship.

ECONOMICAL ABUSE:

*Your abuser will prevent you from having a job. If you don't work and don't earn money, than you are dependent on him. You can't leave him if you can't take care of yourself financially. He has complete control of you and your life.

*Abusive men will make you ask him for money and/or give you an allowance! Whether you work or not, they want to control everything and make you fell powerless by asking them for money. you have the right to have your own money, and you have the right to spend it however you want!

* Abusive men will also take your money. Whether it's money you earned, inherited or was given to you as a gift: An abusive man will want to take it from you and control what it is spent on.

*Abusive men will also keep family finances a secret. They don't want you to know what finances are around: What bank accounts, investments etc. The less you know, the better! Make sure you are in the loop because if you are married everything he has is also yours! Split 50/50!

Be aware of this type of control: Abusive men will use money to keep you around and make you feel like you can't leave or you will be homeless, in a shelter or not be able to survive. Never forget that everything the two of you have belongs to the two of you. And if you want to work - WORK!! It's your right being a women in our time!

Ok so here is another part of the power and control wheel. This section personally, I don't have a lot of experience with only one or two of the techniques. . But, I still want to discuss this with you as a lot of abusive men do use this technique to control and gain power over you.

*Your abuser will treat you like his servent. Expect you to do all the cleaning, cooking and house work...

* Your abuser will try and make all of the BIG decisions. He wants to decide everything. If you try to work with him or make decisions of any kind, you will pay for your effort. He will also go on and on and on about it, until you give in to give him his way...sometimes for the abusee, this is easier!

*He will defined your role and his role. These roles tend to be sexist and based on old school values....

I hope this helps you out and if you notice these techniques being used, you may be within an abusive relationship.

The next part of the power and control wheel I want to examine is the section of using children. This section I find extremely disturbing and have experienced myself in my personal experiences.

*Your abuser will use your children to make you feel guilty about leaving him. He will try to convince you that you are ruining the family and taking his kids away. Well, if he didnt abuse you, you probably wouldn't be leaving him! Don't listen to him. The children are better to be raised from a "broken family as society calls it" than to be raised in an abusive home. Children learn from their parents: If all they see is physical and emotional abuse this is what they will grow to be. If they see their mom leave their dad because of how he treated her, than they will learn for themselves what the proper way to act is. DO NOT feel guilty in any way shape or form - the kids are better off with you leaving your abusive partner.

*An abusive partner will use the children to harrass you. Sad, but true! He will use the exchanges to get to you and to call you names, to try and make you see how you are hurting him, to try and get you back. Don't fall victim to his games again. Don't fall victim to arguing infront of the children. Simply ignore him, and allow your children to go with him. Don't let him affect you and ruin your alone time.

*Your abusive ex-partner will use your children to relay messages. He will tell the children that you broke the family up and to tell you how much he is hurting or hates you etc etc...He will pass along inappropriate messages through your children. Again, sad but true! The kids are not pawns, they are innocent human beings. Don't let this hurt you and if you find it is hurting your children reach out to your lawyer for legal advice to stop this type of behaviour once and for all.

To sum this section up, your abusive partner will try to get you to stay with him "for the children". Your children are worse off growing up in an abusive home I assure you of this: Hence the term "circle of abuse". Don't listen to him and do not feel guilty about leaving and "breaking up the family!". You need to be happy in order to raise your children in a happy and loving environment.

On to the next section of the power and control wheel. For me personally, I feel the strongest and still have undealth with feelings on this part of the wheel...I find this tactic the most frustrating and irritating of them all.

*your abuser will not take the abuse seriously, nor your concerns about it and state that the abuse didn't happen. They will deny that they are abusive until they are blue in the face. To them, their actions are "manly or masculine" not abusive. Actually, with you raising your concerns of the abuse, it will cause your abuser to be more angry and for the abuse to get worse. They will blame you and tell you that you are hurting them and the cause of all the problems: DON'T BELIEVE THEM!

*Your abuser will shift the responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They may blame you, their work, their stressful life, the children, the busdriver...anybody but themselves. They never see themselves as the problem, and are ALWAYS angry at somebody for something. Hence my prior post "misplaced compassion"

*And of course the abuser will say you caused it. They may even go as far as stating you were abusive too! But facts show, most women only become abusive in self-defense. Your abuser will tell you you're crazy, you caused them to be like this, they are only angry around you nobody else. They will make you feel like you are the problem: But, you are not. They are! They are choosing which actions and behaviours to take and are making the wrong decision. You have nothing to do with it!

All in all, don't allow your abuser to blame you. One common question or thought that I see is "I blame myself because I ALLOWED him to treat me this way and cause it for so many years"...you didn't allow anything. Your abuser would have abused you, no matter how you acted or what you tried. Actually, had you fought back, the abuse would have been worse.

so time for another section of this wheel:

ISOLATION:

*Abusive men will try to control you not only in your own home, but also outside. They will determine where you go, who you see and can be friend with even what you read. For the abuser, the less people you are in contact with the better. It is easier for them to control and abuse you; if you have no one else in your life to turn to.

*Abusers will also use jealousy to justify their actions to you. This is really manipulative as they think you will like that they are jealous "because they love you" and place the blame of their controlling nature and abusive ways on jealousy: Again, blaming you are your actions for their problems.

Please don't fall for these techniques. If you notice either of these occuring in your relationship: really evaluate it, and determine if it is abusive or just "unhealthy".....

So I want to focus back again on the power and control wheel. The next area I want to touch on is:
USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE TO CONTROL YOU:

*So obviously abusive men will put you down to gain control of you. Whether they tell you you're crazy, they are too good for you, you are not attractive enough to be with them, you are fat or ugly etc...what ever the insult...it is emotional abuse and is meant to hurt you.

*Abusive men will make you feel bad about yourself. and make you self-conscience so you don't have the confidence to see that you are too good for them. Also, to make themselves feel like they are too good for you!

*Abusive men will call you names to gain control and power. For Example; stupid, dumb, crazy, psycho...anything that again puts you down.

*Abusive men will use tactics to make you feel crazy. When you are mad at something or upset, or try to stand up to them: They will tell you, that you are crazy and out of wack!! Don't believe them, you are not crazy and chances are, you have every reason to be upset or mad at them. (my abuser was a pro at this...still tries to convince the world that I am crazy and have psychological problems....)

*Abusive men will also play mind games with you. They will try and make you jealous, or stay out late to test you and play with your emotions and your mind.

*Abusive men will also humiliate you. Have you ever been in a store when he started yelling at you and embarassed you? or out with friends and he snipes on every comment you make? yep...this is his technique to control you no matter where you are.

*I love LOVE LOVE this last one: he will make you feel guilty!!! He will do everything and anything to make you feel guilty...The only example I can think of is my personal example. He harasses, verbally attacks me, waives his arms at me and starts arguments screaming, yelling and calling me names at every chance he gets, so I hired a third party to do the exchanges between him and myself for his visits with my son(the courts ordered this as well) and now he tries to make me feel bad because he doesn't work and can't afford the third party: We pay half, it's not expensive...but again he is trying to make me feel guilty...it ain't my problem that he chooses (CHOOOSES CHOOOSES CHOOOOOSES) not to work...that's his choice..not mine!!! So anytime he tries to flip the situation and make you feel guilty, think twice and don't MISPLACE YOUR COMPASSION...(the story I posted a few days ago really demonstrates this)

If you find that your partner is doing any of the above, you are in an abusive relationsip and he/she is trying to control you....

When you are feeling down, here is a great quote that I really like by Kahlil Gibran:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.And how else can it be?The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

I want to dedicate a few posts to the power and control wheel. The first time I saw this wheel, I almost fell off my chair as it really describes my ex. I know that other abused women feel the same. If you have never seen this wheel, I hope that these posts help you to understand the power and control that abusive men want and will try to do to gain their control over you.

There are 8 sections to this wheel each dedicating statements of what power and control are and the techniques abusive men use.

The first I am going to touch on is USING INTIMIDATION

USING INTIMIDATION

*Your abuser will use actions, looks and gestures to make you afraid of them. Waving their arms in the air, making fists, staring you down with a stern look on their face, yelling at you, calling you names etc. These are examples of what they will do.

*Your abuser will destroy your property, smash things, throw things. This is actually physical abuse. They are showing their violent nature and intimidating you by showing that they are stronger than you are and by using your property (or sometimes their own or combined propery). If they throw furniture, punch the wall, throw dishes etc. They are trying to scare you to give into them and to be afraid to go against them or disagree with them or NOT do what they want you to do.

*Your abuser will abuse pets. They will kick them, or smack them hard or throw them. They are showing you their anger and that you could be the one on the other end of that kick, smack or physical abuse. A first sign of an abuser is a man who tortures or kills animals as a young boy or teenager. Watch out for this one, because killing animals is a sign of a sociopath. Have you ever seen the "Butterfly Effect"....

*Your abuser will display weapons. This technique is used to completely intimidate you. That weapon is around and he will use it if he needs it. He is trying to scare you and it does work.

So again, this is just one section of the Power and Control Wheel. In my case, all of these apply to my abuser. In your case, maybe all or one or two but either way, if you are in a relationship and any of these techniques or examples are taking place, you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is showing his violent manner and controlling manner to ensure you are under his control.

So, I know that us abused women are not rich or flowing in filth, and there are a lot of folks in this world that need us. Yes, there are disasters world round and millions of people suffering; but, I just found out that the womens shelter in my city is out of food!

They have no food to offer the women and children who come to their centre for help and are now turning them away. Please for all those who have a little something extra, don't forget about your womens shelters when making donations.

I have donated what I can to the red cross for Haiti, I also donate semi-annually to the Pediatric society (they have a needle to give children who are born to HIV positive moms to prevent the babies from contracting HIV and AIDS) and I absolutely donate to my local womens shelter. They have been monumental in helping me through counseling and support in recovering from the abuse I endured.

Please, do not forget your local shelters when making your decision to donate. If every person donated 1 can or 1 dollar - it does make a difference!

So I usually have an idea of what I am going to post for the next week or so, but I am going off my plan here. Last night at my group session, we had a guest speaker and I wanted to share with you all some of the insight and information that she discussed and that I found to be powerful and helpful for me.

Our guest speaker talked about a case study done that is called "Resilient Adults: Overcoming a Cruel Past" By Gina Oconnell-Higgins. This case study looked at women who have been abused (mostly as children but the concept of domestic violence is still the same) who overcame their experience and became strong, independent, happy and loving adults. Some of the common qualities in these women are as follows:

*Resolved NOT to repeat the past and had a vision of something better for themselves
*They don't give into bitterness and have a high selfesteem
*They have "confrontation courage". This term I really liked. This does not mean they start arguments etc what it is meaning is that they stand up for themselves and confront the bullies in the world and those who do not treat people equally.
*When overcoming their abuse, they did not forgive their abuser, but they understand the abuse that occured and don't let it control them.
*They have become stronger and more effective because of their experience.

I find that these are great qualities, and ones that I strive for. If us abused women can look at our experience, and know that we won't let it happen again, and that we can and WILL overcome it to a happier life, we will be stronger, more compassionate and understanding because of what we went through.

I am going to find this case study and read the whole thing. I found it very interesting and intriguing.

So I want to provide my thoughts and feelings towards the short story I posted a few short days ago.

I feel that the title is excellent and really shows a common pattern in abused women. Abused women, will show compasssion towards their abuser and have the thought that he is abusing her because of what is going on in his life. She feels as though if she shows compassion and feels sorry for him and tries to fix his problem, he will stop abusing her.

This again, is a strong misconception when you are in this type of situation. Your abuser, will ALWAYS have something or someone to blame for his anger and abusive ways. You can't show him compassion, as he is not showing you any. And honestly, why does he deserve your compassion?

To the abused women out there, you should be showing compassion towards yourself and your children (if you have any). If you are demonstrating compassion towards your abuser, is it MISPLACED! No matter what you do, how hard you try, he will always have an excuse for his actions and that will never change. Whether he blames you, his work, his parents, the government! He will always, blame something or someone else because he is the victim in his eyes: But in reality, you are the victim and are the one that needs compassion and help.

You can't change him: An abuser can be changed, but only when they realize their actions are their fault, within their control and when they seek professional help.

I want to share with you all, a short story that we read and discussed in one of my group sessions a few weeks ago. It is a disturbing story, but one that describes what my situation was like when I was pregnant. And one that describes many situations I am sure.

I hope that this story can make people realize how many women out there are just "living" with the abuse and trying to keep the peace for their childrens sake. I hope that this story gets you thinking and I am hoping that some of you will share your comments and opinions as to what you think about it.

MISPLACE COMPASSION
BY SHIRLEY OBERG

She picked her way painfully through the littered living room strewn with the debris of his violence. With a muffled groan she sank into the brown stuffed chair crossing her hands on her swollen pregnant stomach. She had to rest a minute before putting everything aright. The kids would be up in a few minutes. Three children, and not one of them ever slept past seven.

Under her hands, the baby moved. Looking down she noticed that her wrists were swollen and bruised. He had grabbed her wrists and twisted her to her knees. Her body was awakening to the sore spots. Time later to assess the damage. Imperative now to get the house in order so the kids wouldn't notice. Get the water on for cereal. Start the coffee. Make things right, normal. Drawing in a determine breath, she pulled herself out of the chair.

A dozen aching deeds later, she heard him in the bathroom. She glanced nervously around. Everything was set aright; Judy sent cheerfully off to school, Alice and Tony seated in front of the TV, a broken mirror and glasses tidily disposed of, a pot of leftovers simmering into soup on the stove.

The kitchen filled with his presence, but she did not turn around from the sink. A chair scraped the floor and creaked under his weight.

"Do you want some coffee?" she asked, staring into the tile above the sink.

He didn't answer. The baby moved heavily in her stomach. Glancing over her shoulder she saw his brooding face as she stared out the window. Her hands continued washing plates and glasses, as the sinking feeling settled into her.

"What's wrong?"

"it's no use," his voice was heavy with defeat. "I'm letting the garage go"

"No. You can't"

The ramshackle building down on Fifth STreet proclaiming "ARTS CRAFT; BODY SHOP AND SMALL ENGINE REPAIR" in bright red letters across the top had been his dream for five years. Five years of seemingly endless sacrifice.

"Can't we just make partial payments on these bills?" she asked.

"No." He shoved the chair back in disgust. "Too little, too late." Running his hand through his hair he snorted, "How in the hell can I get ahead by making payments? I can't even support this family on what the shop is making."

Not looking at her, he took the cup of coffee held out to him.

"Let the bastards foreclose." He turned and stared out the window in studied defeat.

Bracelets of pain clasped her wrists as she wrung the dish cloth and started wiping down the counter.

"We can't give up now, Art" She made her voice determined.

"We," he mimicked with a pointed clance at her stomach, then glaring out the window.

"Don't worry," she said brightly, her mind racing. "You don't have to give up the shop. I know where we can get the money"

His look was half suspicious, half incredulous.

"Where?"

"From my dad," she plunged forward before he could object. "He called yesterday and said if there was anything he could do for us to let him know, he would be glad to help."

"He said that? I thought he didn't like me"

"Oh, don't be silly", she lied cheerfully, "that's just the way he is. He thinks you're one of the hardest working men he knows."

Watching the relief smooth out the tension on his face, she kep her reassuring smile stuck firmly in place while he gathered up his jacket and tools.

With his red and white cap perched back on his head he gave her a wink and a wave from the car, and gunning the engine to show his excitement, squealed out, once again in charge of his world.

Soon she could rest. Take the two kids with her into the big bed, and they would all take a two-hour nap.

But quickly, before her courage failed she dialed the phone.

"Dad? Hi, it's Laura"

"Really?"

"I know. It's been a long time. How are you? Good, that's good. I'm glad. Me?" As she gripped the phone, pain rippled up her arm. "Oh, fine. We're just fine. The kids are doing great. Except..." She laughed nervously. "I'm pregnant again. Which is why I'm calling Dad..."

I find this short story to be very though prevoking and disturbing.

Any comments or thoughts?

Ok so now I want to go over healthy supports. Recovering from abuse is one in which you need support and friends who understand and who are there for you in a healthy way:

*Listen
*They are always there for you
*They offer you help
*They acknowledge your experience and how hard it has been for you
*They remember and remind you of your accomplishments
*They keep your personal information confidential
*They focus on your strengths and your ability to get through things
*They will challenge your thinking in a positive way
*They ask about ideas and offer thier thoughts and opinions.

Please, re-evaluate those you have chosen to lean on for support and make sure they are really helping, there for you and are a positive force in your life. You need positive people around you and people who truely care for you!

So I wanted to add a post or two about friends and supports. When you have gone through abuse and are trying to recover from it, friends and help are a must. But, healthy ones are what you need. Here are some signs on an Unealthy Support/Friend:

*They are there for you when they feel like it
*They tell you how to do it better
*Start telling you how their experiences are much worse than your experience
*They remember and remind you of your mistakes
*They gossip and tell others about your personal life
*They think they know everything
*They tell you about all the things you did wrong
*They focus on your weaknesses and give you reasons why you will not succeed.

If you are finding that those you are trying to confide in and are turning to help, take these approaches with you; reconsider them as a strong support. You need good and healthy support and people that you can depend on to help you through this.

So through my research I have begun to find a huge link between men who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and abusive men. Here is the link that I have found and my theory for why those who suffer with this disorder are high candidates to be abusers:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Those with this disorder have a high need for admiration, prestige and power. They lack empathy and are obsessed with personal adequacy. They are self centered, desire power and want to be constantly praised - and will go to any lengths to be praised.

Abusers: They lack empathy, they crave power and control, they are selfish as they care only about themselves and their feelings - not the people in their life.

Now that I have broken down and defined each - it is real easy to see the link and why those who have NPD have a high rate of being abusive.

Pay attention to the signs of both and if you are in a new relationship and see the "red flags' save yourself to avoid further abuse.

To my readers:

I have been playing around with templates for a while, and wasn't a fan of my old one. I have uploaded this new template and still am not 100% sure.

Any one care to share their opinions - do you like this template? I have to decide before I pay for the program, and being a single mom, I want to make sure the template works before I pay.

Your opinions would be greatly valued,

So I wanted to bring some disturbing statistics to everyone's attention. Society has this misbelief that abuse is rare, however, I have found some statistics that show how common it really is.

7% of women in this world are abused at some point in their lives. This is 420 000 000 women who have or will be abused

Women are 10 times more likely to fear for their lives than men and on average experience 10 violent episodes.

11% of female victims are stalked by their ex partners

Between 40-45% of murdered women, are murdered by their partner

Between 1-2 women (in the Uk only for this Stat) per week are murdered by their partner

I find these statistics disturbing and that they really demonstrate the need of awareness and the misconception society has about abuse. It's out there, whether the victims know they are being abused or not. We should not be embarassed, and should stand together to try and raise awareness and education on what abuse is and the effects of abuse on women.

Happy new year everyone! I hope that 2010 blesses you all with joy, happiness and safety. Whatever your journey this year, it is for the best.
I wanted to start 2010 with a poem that I love and really see myself and all abused women in. I hope you enjoy:

WARRIOR WOMAN

She stands alone,
but I see the spirits
of so many others
survivors of the same battle
amassed behind her.

She stands alone,
but with each word she speaks
I hear the walls of silence
imprisoning the guiltless
come crashing down

She stands alone,
but in light of her courage
I feel a shift, a change,
in my deepest heart.

Each beat like throbbing drums
that pound out a call to battle,
echoes with my new found strength.

She stands alone,
before the world
to proclaim her innocence
and mine!

Warrior woman. I hear you!
Like golden arrows your
words do battle with
the swirling darkness.

Warrior woman, I see with awe,
your undefeated spirit that
fights for freedom, and wellness,
and I know that it is my own.

Warrior woman,I recognise,
though you may not
that you have spoken
for all who cannot speak,
and fought for all
who cannot fight.
Warrior Woman, I thank you!

Leslie Vaughn.